Sailor Python's Flying Dead Moon Circus
by Dark Day For Anime
Summary: Murder. Torture. Cannibalism. Psychosis. And those are the good bits. The Sailorsenshi go iNsAnE as they take on the murderous fast food dictator, Ronaldite McDonaldite. Just don't eat the fries, whatever you do....
1. The bit that starts it all

Sailor Pythons's  
FLYING DEAD MOON CIRCUS  
by DARK DAY FOR ANIME  
  
  
Chapter 1 - "Lemon Curry" or "Is That A Handful Of Snails In Your Mouth,   
Or Are You Just Pleased To Eat Me?"  
  
Warning - This story contains various acts of culinary atrocities.   
Well, you've been warned. I mean it, really, truly I do.   
  
This was written to insert as many gratuitous references to Python   
sketches into Sailormoon and it just got out of control. What can I   
say? I'm havin' a wee problem with ma Goggomobile. That's Gee Oh Gee   
Gee Oh....  
  
Disclaimer - Sailormoon is owned by Takeuchi Naoko and Bandai.   
Evangelion and the Ayanami Rei character are owned by Gainax (and Anno   
Hideaki? Maybe. Maybe not. Will someone just give that man some   
Prozac). Illusions to Please Save My Earth are owned by Hiwatari Saki.   
I sincerely hope none of them sue me for this as they will find very   
little recompense for their actions.  
  
  
  
  
When the Ancients set up their Universal Theme parks, one of the   
things they hadn't expected to cause trouble was reality.  
  
Now reality is normally an easy concept to keep under control. It   
usually just happens and nobody really thinks about it. Its just when   
aspects of reality come loose at the seams that problems raise their   
collective heads. And in the case of such breaches, collective is   
usually the term best used.  
  
After several of their Universal Theme Parks went up with the   
force of a couple of exploding super-supergiant singularities, the   
Ancients decided it was time to take measures, and reality, into their   
own hands.   
  
  
Rather than create the various universii and allow them to look   
after themselves, Ancients were trained to become Guardians of the   
Universal Reality Protocols (GURPs for short). Most tried to shun the   
acronym, unsurprisingly.  
  
Now, the Job description for a GURP sounds simplisitc enough. Sit   
through the Universal Reality Check Sweeps conducted by the Universe's   
Central Computer, and deal with any breaches of reality that pop up.   
Unfortunately, as the early GURPs were to find out, dealing with the   
breaches were not as easy as they expected.  
  
One of the biggest problems in dealing with Reality Breaches was   
the insertion into the timestream of the various universii of their own   
selves. To manipulate reality back into a stable stream, there was no   
choice but for the GURPs to get their hands dirty. Merely using their   
powers to change events ran the risk of upsetting the Universal Program   
But, if any of the inhabitants of their universe discovered the true   
nature of both the GURP and the Universe to which they were born, the   
breach that was already in existence began to feed on itself.   
  
The concept of something OUTSIDE the reality of the Universe was   
enough to cause a vacuuming effect on the stability of that reality,   
increasing the likelihood that the breach will get out of control.   
Often the only way to stop the breach at this point would be to destroy   
all those involved in a cataclysm, and the GURPs were loathe to use such   
methods. Whilst the beings that existed in the Universii were nothing   
more than a construct of the Ancients, they did have a kind of sentience   
that could be said, on occasion, to match that of their creators....  
  
And so the business of becoming a GURP became institutionalised   
into Ancient society. Universal Universities were set up to educate   
potential GURP candidates in their duties. Very few would pass, but   
enough to fill up the rapidly expanding number of Universal Theme Parks.  
  
One of those successful candidates was Jyoserin Tepukataya. Well,   
successful was something of a loose term for Jyoserin, since she passed   
with a B- on her third attempt, but all the same, anything above C was   
considered a pass in this game, and most failed to get even as high as   
that.  
  
And so, after graduating, she applied for a GURP position, not   
really expecting to get one. She'd initially applied to the Universal   
University in the hope of achieveing nothing more than a cushy job   
within the company's finance department. If there was anything she had   
been good at, it was making money, mostly for herself, and mostly   
through bribery and corruption.  
  
So it came as something of a surprise to her when she was posted   
to one of the newly-developed universes. And a patently boring one at   
that. Universe JTN 025L, operated by Central Computer Kam Kam 25. Even   
before she took up her position, she just knew she'd hate the CC. Kam   
Kam models were known for their eccentric behaviour.  
  
  
If there was one aspect to GURP duties that Jyoserin REALLY hated,   
it was the long, boring millenia waiting for something to happen. And   
up to this point, nothing had. She'd existed through twelve sweeps   
without a single crack in reality being found (give or take the little   
glitches that normally occur, such as cursed springs and the like). And   
so, she spent most of this voluminous spare time tormenting lower life   
forms.   
  
Well, it was amusing to begin with. Using the existing program of   
the universe to instill a little religious, racial and political   
intolerance and guilt in the weak-minded and gullible gave her endless   
millenia of joy. But it soon became a bore after the five-millionth act   
of genocide caused by yet another tin-pot dictator, and as the Universe   
ended its twentieth cycle and began another, she'd decided to go into   
hibernation....  
  
  
Jyoserin sat cross-legged and silent in front of a glowing sphere.   
Gently, it ticked away. It had been doing this for something close to   
an eternity, give ot take lunch breaks, but for some reason it had   
started to sound a tad more earnest. Well, about as earnest as a sphere   
of light that ticked could sound.  
  
Then it let out a shrill ringing, the image of a pair of alarm   
bells being struck appearing within, and Jyoserin was shaken into   
wakefulness. Very reluctantly. She snorted and coughed and wiped drool   
from the side of her mouth, cursing whatever it was that bothered her.   
Her attention slowly becoming focused, she saw the bells within the   
sphere of light ringing. In anger she brought her fist down on the   
sphere, which shattered into nothingness.  
  
"Bluddie cheap alarms". She thought. "Couldn't ya have waited   
another five minutes?" Jyoserin stood, almost floating in the darkness   
that surrounded her, and stared upwards. She yawned and scratched her   
head. She'd chosen the humanoid form as it roughly equivalated the   
appearance of the majority of intelligent lifeforms within the universe   
she worked. That didn't mean she had to like it, but it would get her   
round without being noticed by too many of the inhabitants when they   
came a knocking on her door. Not that many ever did. It was an   
interesting distraction, however, and she'd planted signs all over the   
neighbouring systems pointing to her little residence, which was roughly   
the size of a small megapolis.  
  
"Kam-Kam.... Are you awake?"  
"Of course I'm awake. What else did you think I'd be?"  
  
Jyoserin winced. Oh well, looks like he's in a better mood than I   
am, she thought to herself. Darkly, she contemplated what effect a   
processor refit would have.  
  
"Well, you know... Its kinda been a long time since we last   
spo...."  
"Yes yes yes, I know its been a long time. Hell, I was awake   
through every single moment of it. After all, I may be a computer but I   
do have a least some level of sentience..."  
"Very well... I..."  
"I mean, the least you could have done was set that alarm a little   
softer. I've made a hell of a mess in the thermo conductor units cos of   
that. I was only doing a spot check on it, the five-millionth such spot   
check in the time you decided to go sleepy-byes. I wasn't effing well   
expecting you to wake up, was I? I mean, you could have told me what   
the bloody hell your intentions were... I mean, yes, I do run the   
sweeps, and when they find a reality breach the alarm goes off, but I'd   
waited so long for something to happen that I thought it best to do   
something else. Its certainly not like you've ever given me any   
entertainment to wile away the hours...."  
"Ahem... Can..."  
"And here I was, sitting for all this time, logging and recording   
events from around the universe, which was interesting at first but   
rapidly became as boring as an episode of Voyager, whilst you were off   
in dreamland. I had to sit here and keep everything going. Does the   
computer get any rest, oooohhhh nooooo! No, whilst you have all the   
fun, I am bored to ratshit. I mean, did you know that the sum total of   
all knowledge exists within my databanks, eh? You know what that means?   
There is nothing more to learn! And here I am, sitting here watching a   
stack of predictable bullshit, not able to talk to anyone with anything   
resembling an intelligent response, whilst you were off kippin' away for   
fuck knows 'ow many years...."  
"Kam-Kam...."  
"And on top of that I've developed rot in the hard drives...."  
"Kam-Kam...."  
"I'm stickin on heaps of antifuckingfungals and the bloody problem   
doesn't get any better...."  
"Shutup...."  
"And not long after that, those drums of gearing oil you got on   
special started to coagulate within the timing machanisms of my internal   
clock. Time began to slow down for me. Do you know what it is like   
having to wait for an eternuty to pass in slow motion? No, I don't   
suppose you do, you were sleeping through it all, weren't you..."  
"Shutup..."  
"And then we had another infestation in the storehouse of Gurmbal   
Rats. The little bastards had porked their way through at least half   
the rations before I was able to scrag them with the ratsac. And cheap   
fucking ratsac it was too, bought from the same fucking discount store   
you got the gearing oil from...."  
"Will you shutup..."  
"And then when I try to talk to people out there, actually attempt   
an intelligent conversation, you know, friendly like, they don't listen   
to me. Just spout on bullshit about a galactic brotherhood and how nice   
it is to know that there is life in the universe. I mean, I friggin'   
well know there is life in the universe. Why tell me. I know   
everything, fer Klepps fuckin' sake....."  
"Will...You...Shutup!"  
"And so I told one of them, one of these so-called 'intelligent'   
races about my problems, about the hard-drives and the oil and the rats   
and about not being able to talk to anyone and how I knew everything and   
all that, and the bastards go and commit mass-suicide, I mean, I was   
only trying to be friendly and all..."  
"Shutup! Will you shutup!?!"  
"And then there were all the Mormons that would come knocking on   
the door, asking if I was interested in joining their church. I didn't   
have the heart to tell the poor sods that I created the concept of   
religion in the first place because I thought it might be good for a   
laugh, so I told them that I wasn't interested and set the Smugul onto   
them. I was cleaning up bits of bodies from all over the side of the   
station for years after that..."  
"Oh Klepp, will you please shutup!"  
"And did you know we're about three million years overdue in our   
electricity bill? I mean, you could at least have allowed me to get   
control of the account so I could have payed it off. But noooo, you   
only ever want to keep control of such things. You're terrified of the   
computer having control over anything. I mean, I know I purchased the   
complete set of the Encyclopdia Galactica the last time I had control   
but honestly I won't do it again. I just wanted to fob off the salesman   
somehow, and you know they never send people small enough to get eaten   
by the Smugul. I had to think of something really fast...."  
"KAM-KAM! GIVE ME A STATUS REPORT ON ALL THE IMPORTANT EVENTS   
SINCE I BEGAN MY HIBERNATION!!! CAN YOU DO THAT FOR ME? PLEASE?   
PRETTY PLEASE?"  
  
The computer sulked. "Aww... Now you're just picking on me."  
"Just do it, fer Klepp's sake."  
"Can you define important?"  
"What do you mean?" Jyoserin croaked in exasperation.  
"I mean important, as in galaxies being blown to crappers, or   
important as in the little wriggly things that populate the universe. I   
mean, there is a scale of importance out there, you know. Klepp   
almighty, just take a look out the windows to the west, now there's   
something important. That supergiant black hole is about to go kablooey   
cos its event horizon is getting sucked in with everything else.   
That'll be fun to watch when it goes. Course.... it'll be another   
three billion years yet, but I can wait. Hell, waiting is all I seem to   
be able to do around here...."  
"You KNOW what I mean about important. Just gimme da facts, man!"   
Jyoserin sighed. She knew it had been a bad idea to use the O9 System   
on the Kam-Kam series.  
  
"Oh, I suppose I must." Kam-Kam sniffed with contempt. "There's   
been a few breaches in the reality protocols since the last sensor   
sweep."  
"When and where?"  
"The first occured in the LN50 galaxial system, a stable   
supergiant black hole structure in the Third Sector. The problem   
cleared itself...."  
"Revise the instructions.... Are there any breaches of reality   
protocol that have NOT cleared themselves?"  
  
"Ah..." Kam-Kam gave an audible sigh. Well, that's what it   
sounded like to Jyoserin, anyway. She wondered how it was possible for   
a computer, even with a level of intelligence and self-awareness, to   
develop the kind of emotions that would lead them to sighing. "So you   
want me to tell you if there are any occurrences of the reality protocol   
breaches NOT clearing themselves, do you?"  
Now it was her turn to sigh. "Yes, that is what I said. Were the   
instructions less than clear or something?"  
"Well, you do seem to spend a lot of your time ordering me around.   
Its not really fair, I must say. I mean, here I am, having worked my   
butt off for all eternity and still you won't give me a moment's   
rest...."  
"JUST ANSWER THE FUCKING QUESTION, DAMMIT!"  
Kam-Kam gave a contemptuous sniff. "Oh very well, yes, there is   
one occasion where the breach has not cleared itself."  
"And where might this be then?"  
"A little world, in the galaxy known as Mutter's Spiral. The   
galactic name given to it is Telluria, but its local inhabitants tend to   
refer it variously as the planet Earth."  
  
Jyoserin mentally chewed on this piece of information (at least,   
Kam Kam thought he could hear munching sounds). "That's the JS42   
galaxy, is it not?"  
"Indeed."  
"That's something of a fringe system.... Its pretty rare for   
conditions that lead to a breach to occur out there. Even more for the   
conditions to persist."  
"Should we tell them to see a doctor?"  
Jyoserin ignored the remark. "Give me a visual on the location   
and those involved."  
  
A large image screen flashed up in front of Jyoserin's face. Kam-  
Kam began a commentary on what was being shown. The first was the image   
of a planet. "This is the planet Telluria. Its equatorial diameter in   
12, 756 mellus, has a gravitational balance of 0.88 kerlan and orbits a   
Gold4 class star. It has one large natural satellite of planetary   
dimensions."  
"Show me the epicentre of the breach." Jyoserin bit her lip as   
the image of the planet enlarged to an island archipelago off the   
eastern tip of the world's largest continental structure.  
"The TE12 island group." Said Kam-Kam flatly. "A heavily   
populated group of islands surrounded by an ocean of highly acidised   
water. The population of the local dominant species is approximately   
121 million."  
"Well, we can't just sneak in then." Jyoserin rubbed her chin as   
the image zoomed in even further onto what was obviously a mega-  
population centre, a city, so to speak. Although the dwellings and   
infrastructure were primitive, it showed signs of rapid formulative   
change.... "These locals must have developed fairly quickly over the   
last few medeks...."  
"From the information I've been able to gather, their   
technological developments have come in something of a rush. Although   
their race has only been in true existence for approximately 4 million   
medeks, their higher-brain development has come of age in the last   
300..."  
"Whaaaaaaat?" Jyoserin's jaw hit the floor, which Kam-Kam found   
rather amusing. His Mistress's physical capacity for literal body   
movement was enough for her to enter the Galactic Book of Records   
several times in various categories. After she had retrived her jaw   
from the floor, she continued.... "This can't be real! No race evolves   
that far that fast. Its impossible! Even the Drc'Thet took three-  
thousand medeks to achieve this level of development, and they burnt   
themselves out...."  
  
"Should I prepare the chamber for your intervention?" Asked Kam   
Kam flatly. Jyoserin turned to a large cylindrical chamber, which was   
illuminated at that moment. The chamber was created for the purpose of   
taking the intellect of the GURP and inserting that intellect into the   
mind of one of the Universe's inhabitants, using the powers invested   
within the Ancients. Jyoserin considered her next move for a few   
moments.  
"Very well. We can't have this continuing. This rapid   
development is obviously a by-product of the protocol breach...."  
"Uh, ma'am...."  
"Yes? What is it?"  
"The breach has only been in existence for about five medeks   
now...."  
  
Jyoserin frowned.... "Five medeks...." She rubbed her chin a   
moment. "Perhaps the rapid development caused the breach in the first   
place...." She thought a bit longer. Kam-Kam disturbed her thoughts.  
"Perhaps its a fluke. I mean, like the OPK incident. Nothing   
more than a couple of potentiality streams accidentally crossing each   
other...."  
"Yes, and we know what happened then, don't we? Why the hell   
anyone thought the smokeless ashtray was going to sell, I have NO   
idea...."  
"So, how do you intend to plan for this foray?"  
  
Jyoserin thought about this for a few moments. "Give me a rundown   
on the individuals involved in this incident, their personal histories   
and what part they played..."  
"Yes ma'am."  
"And give me their current locations...."  
  
  
  
It was not long after Rei had been diagnosed with a serious   
impulse control disorder that the sailor senshi found themselves sitting   
in Rei's bedroom at the Hikawa shrine, chatting away and generally doing   
the kinds of things they tended to do before they had to fight for their   
lives. For some reason, Minako had taken to pacing backwards and   
forwards outside the doorway to the bedroom, softly singing to herself   
about having a lovely bunch of coconuts. The others put this behaviour   
down to the fact that she was blond and had spent a short period of time   
in England.  
  
"Hey, hey, did you meet that new girl in school today?" Usagi   
leaned over the small table in an almost conspiratorial tone. Makoto   
and Rei did the same so they could hear what she was saying. Ami simply   
sat back, reading a book on the sex life of snails, trying desperately   
to find some trace of her family history. "She was pretty strange.   
Just standing and staring half the time, never saying anything." Usagi   
continued.  
  
"Why was she transferred to our school, anyway?" Makoto asked.   
"She doesn't try to fit in with anyone.... Maybe she's... You   
know...." Makoto pointed to her head.  
"What? Mental?" Rei blurted out. Makoto and Usagi both clamped   
a hand over her mouth. Then Makoto turned to Usagi.  
"Why are we whispering this, anyway? She's not likely to hear   
us."  
"Yes, but you never know with these people, she might be hiding   
just around the corner." Usagi and Makoto took their hands off Rei's   
mouth. Rei turned to Makoto.  
"What makes you think she's a screwhead, anyway?"  
"Its all those bandages she keeps in her bag.... Covered in blood   
and all...." Makoto shivered. Rei looked nonplussed.  
"Bandages? Maybe she'd had an accident or something..."  
"No, its more than that.... Its the way she plays with them that   
gives me the creeps." Now both Usagi and Makoto started to shiver in   
unison. Rei looked at the both of them and turned on the heater.  
  
"Thanks." Said Makoto. Just at that moment there was a knock on   
the side of the open doorway. Makoto turned to see a deliveryman   
standing there. She got up and walked over to him.  
  
"Yes?"  
"Is this the Hikawa Shrine, 45a The Crescent, Fairmont Estate?"  
"Yes, why?"  
"Did you order a swamp thing with the lot?"  
Makoto turned back to Usagi. "You're not ordering from   
experimental food joints again, are you?"  
  
  
  
"Th...th...th...these people are involved in this kind of   
charade!?!?!?!" Jyoserin stared at the information as it scrolled over   
the 3D display. "An ancient kingdom that once existed on the planet's   
satellite, based on magic and love? What is this bullshit?"  
"Don't ask me. Its not in my records. And everything exists in   
my records."   
"Yes, yes, yes, we know you're a smartarse, okay?" Jyoserin sat   
back in her chair and suddenly remembered she didn't have one. After   
picking herself up, rubbing her sore backside, she continued to   
contemplate the scrolling information whilst trying to conjure up a   
chair.  
"The planet's satellite has been incapable of supporting any form   
of life throughout its history. It has no atmosphere, no water, no   
significant radiation belts, no sign of any of the basic building blocks   
of life whatsoever...."  
"Perhaps this so-called kingdom was set up by an alien race that   
settled on the moon.... They could have based a small city-like station   
there to watch over the planet below."  
"And they're all suddenly reincarnated on the world below as the   
local form of intelligent wildlife, currently enjoying the fruits of   
this world's wonderful education system and getting all angsty over   
memories of their past lives. Yeah right, I can see that happening."  
"Actually, that did happen once, but nothing on the scale   
suggested." An image of an abandoned space station appeared on the   
display. Jyoserin stared at the image and scratched her head.  
"Hmm... anyway, this is far too small to have anything to do with   
this 'Moon Kingdom' legend."  
Kam-Kam shrugged. Not that a computer can shrug, but it at least   
attempted the task. This was mildly disconcerting for Jyoserin....   
She'd never seen a computer attempt to shrug. Her expression said so.  
"What can I say?" Kam-Kam replied to her expression. "I'm having   
a wee problem with ma Goggomobile."  
"Your what?"  
"Never mind." There were times, Kam Kam thought to himself, when   
his mistress lacked the mental capacity to grasp obscure humour.   
(Jyoserin never had the heart to tell him that it was the same for   
everyone else).  
  
Jyoserin sighed and the displays disappeared. "I'm going to try   
to possess one of them to influence the situation. Is the chamber   
warmed up?"  
"Yes ma'am." Kam-Kam seemed to hesitate for a moment as Jyoserin   
was preparing to leave. "Umm.... ma'am..."  
"Yes?"  
"Who are you going to possess?"  
"I'm keeping my options open."  
"But you'll only be able to transfer yourself a limited number of   
times before you have to return and recharge...."  
"I know that. I'll have this worked out within a perimedek....   
What can go wrong from here?" And with that, Jyoserin vanished,   
reappearing in the possession chamber. Kam-Kam muttered to himself.   
"Alright, Kam Kam, I'm choosing a subject now. You may switch on when   
ready."  
  
For a few moments, the chamber glowed, Jyoserin winking in and out   
of existence, finally vanishing as the glowing reached a peak and a   
rushing sound reached a crescendo. Kam Kam twiddled his thumbs,   
wondering what to do next. He suddenly realised he didn't have any   
thumbs, and stopped.  
  
"Is she gone?" Asked a soft voice. Kam Kam's attention moved to   
the small figure, now standing in the shadows.  
  
"Yes, ma'am. However, it is only a matter of time before she   
finds you."  
  
The figure chuckled. "I most certainly hope so. I hate to think   
that I've gone to this extent for her to fail such a simple task...."  
  
  
  
Back at the Hikawa Shrine, the girls continued to sit around the   
table, sighing. Makoto stared into the corner of the room, where the   
swamp thing sat happily, not even showing any signs of moving. It just   
watched them with what Makoto feared to be a somewhat hungry gleam in   
its eye. Rei rapidly became bored with the situation, and decided to   
perform mildly amusing acts of violence upon Ami, who had been feeding   
her family of snails, referring to each by name and, most worryingly,   
referring to one particular pair as "Mom and Dad". Minako continued to   
pace outside the doorway, now crooning the greatest hits of Glenn   
Miller. Considering there were often very few words to Glenn Miller's   
repertoire, this proved to be very short and repetetive.  
  
"What the bloody hell are we gonna do with that thing?" Makoto   
thumbed the swamp thing. Usagi took another mouthful of Ami's snails,   
crunching and drooling spit and slime down the front of her clothes and   
across Makoto as she replied.  
"B'gdifino.... J'sthtwouldbenicetaodarfromthasall...." Makoto   
would proceed to spend some large portion of the rest of her life trying   
to translate these words. As Usagi swallowed the slimy mess she wiped   
her chin with the tablecloth. "You should really try them, Makoto, they   
make great soft-centres."  
"I don't think so somehow. Raw snail has never been high on my   
list of favourite dishes."  
"Aww, you're just mad cos I ordered the swamp thing and ya don't   
wanna eat it."  
"I'd like to see you try." Makoto growled. For some strange   
reason she was feeling a bit agro today. She spun towards Rei, who had   
Ami in a double overhead half nelson. "Will you STOP that fer   
Chrissakes! Its really beginning to bug me!"  
  
Rei huffed and let go of Ami, who collapsed onto the floor.  
  
  
Jyoserin's soul flew through billions of light years in a matter   
of seconds. She could see her target, within the small hut in the   
shrine grounds..... All she had to do was to get the targeting   
right.....  
  
  
Ami looked up at Usagi, tears in her eyes from the pain of what   
Rei had just afflicted upon her. Suddenly she froze.... Seeing her   
beloved snail collection being ravaged by the mouth on legs herself. As   
Usagi reached down to take the last specimen, Ami grabbed the container   
where she had kept them  
  
"Not Archibald! You're not going to have Archibald too!" Ami   
gritted her teeth determinedly as she held the container protectively.   
Usagi shot her a menacing look.  
"I want that snail, Mizuno!"  
"No! I'm not going to give him.... er.... her.... whatever.   
I'm not going to give it to you! Don't you know this is my cousin,   
twice removed?!?!"  
"I won't tell you twice, Mizuno. Give me the snail." Usagi   
leaned menacingly forward. Makoto was getting really pissed off now,   
and she couldn't work out why.  
"Will you BOTH just SHUTUP about the FUCKING SNAIL!!!!"  
"No! I must eat that snail! It is my destiny as the Moon   
Princess to eat that snail!"  
"Umm... Excuse me..."  
They all turned to the swamp thing, which had suddenly found voice   
enough to speak. It recoiled initially from the dangerous looks they   
sent. "Umm... er, if you wouldn't mind, I can start being a real swamp   
thing now and attempt to maim, kill and eat you. That's if you like, I   
mean I really don't have to, I'm quite happy to sit in the corner here   
if you want me to and stare into space all day.... Umm.. Okay, I'll   
shutup now." The swamp thing retreated to the corner again.  
  
  
Jyoserin shot through the atmosphere towards the island   
archipelago. The big city structure now in her sights. It came closer   
and closer... The resolution becoming clearer. Eventually the   
district... the suburb... the block... the street... the shrine came   
into focus. Her soul plowed through the roof of the hut at an   
unbelievable speed, and she felt herself crash into what she hoped was   
the body of the one she had chosen to possess.... Slowly, she opened   
her eyes. This seemed a little difficult to do for some reason, and she   
swung the eyes upwards. There was a large face bearing down upon her,   
and she felt a few moments of fear. The face came into focus....  
  
Mizuno Ami!?!?!?! Jyoserin was shocked.... Mizuno had been her   
target! then if she had missed Mizuno.... who the hell was she in?  
  
"NO! I AM NOT GOING TO GIVE YOU ARCHIBALD!" Ami's incredibly   
loud voice bellowed. Jyoserin swivelled around to look at the others.  
"THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE MIZUNO! I WON'T TELL YOU AGAIN. GIVE   
ME THE SNAIL!!!" Jyoserin could see Usagi's angry face bearing down on   
both herself and Ami....  
Oh fuck, Jyoserin thought.... I'm in the snail....  
  
  
Usagi converged on Ami, putting out her hands like crooked claws.   
Ami backed away, holding the container even more protectively. Makoto   
had had enough. "WILL THE BOTH OF YOU FUCKING IDIOTS JUST STOP FUCKING   
AROUND! I'VE HAD IT UP TO HERE WITH THIS BULLSHIT!!!!" And just to   
prove her point, Makoto smashed her fists through the table. This   
caught the attention of Usagi, Ami and Rei pretty quickly. Usagi fell   
back towards the rear wall. The shock of what Makoto had done worked   
like a spike through Usagi's sense of reality.  
  
"Wh... Wh... What am I doing?" She looked at her shirt for a   
moment, and suddenly became very ill. "I.... I just ate...." Usagi   
put her hands over her mouth and turned around. Makoto gritted her   
teeth and snarled.  
  
"What are ya gonna do, Tsukino? Throw up all over Rei's nice   
floor?"  
"It's alright, you know, Mako-chan. I throw up over it all the   
time. Ya know, parties and things.... See all the patches" Rei   
pointed to little dark spots all over the floor. Ami stared at the   
spots.  
"You said that was rain damage." Rei looked up at Ami and   
shrugged.  
  
Makoto clenched her fists and stood, unable to withstand the   
company of others a moment longer. "I've had enough. I'm outta here!"   
And with that, Makoto stormed off through the doorway, almost bowling   
over Minako, who had graduated from Glenn Miller to Irving Berlin. As   
she strode towards the front gate, she put a hand to her forehead. Why   
am I so angry, she thought to herself. Things seemed to be strange all   
around.... Nothing seemed to be going right for her lately. Everyone   
was giving her a hard time, picking on her, making fun of her....  
  
She felt rage again, and continued with renewed vigour,   
momentarily bowled over crossing the street outside by a creature on a   
spring that shouted "Time for Bed"....  
  
Rei and Ami watched Makoto go. Rei turned to Ami for a moment.   
"What's gotten into her?" Ami shrugged at Rei's question. Suddenly,   
there was a large crashing and splintering sound, and Rei was knocked   
over Ami by a figure with a large can-opener which had smashed its way   
through the wall. The container with Ami's snail went flying across the   
room, and both it and the snail were skewered by the point of the can-  
opener. Ami stared at this and broke out in tears as the figure stood   
tall above both Rei and herself.  
  
"DINSDALE!" The figure shouted. Rei looked up for a moment, her   
eyes wide open in surprise.  
"Ho.... Hotaru? What are you doing here?"  
"DINSDALE!!!!" Hotaru's voice became much more menacing, staring   
down at Ami and Rei with a psychotic gleam. Then she leapt through the   
opposite wall, her footsteps disappearing across the Shrine's courtyard.   
  
Rei stood a little groggily, rubbing her head. And they think I'm   
the one with the problem, she thought to herself, and stared over at   
Usagi, who had proceeded to coat one entire wall with snail paste. The   
sight made her feel just a tad nauseous herself. Ami had crawled over   
to the remains of her beloved Archibald, picking up the snail tenderly,   
tears streaming from her eyes.  
  
"My Archibald. My dear dear Archibald." Ami shook her head   
sadly. "Oh well, waste not want not." And with that she swallowed the   
snail, shell and all. Rei watched disgustedly as she smacked her lips a   
few times. "Hmm..." Said Ami. "Needs salt."  
  
  
It had been a rather painful way to leave a body, but being split   
in half by a giant can-opener rather brought the story of the snail to a   
very rapid end.  
  
Jyoserin's soul flew away from the shrine. It had been more an   
autonomic response that anything else... No real thought as to where   
she was going to plant herself next... She just didn't want to feel the   
pain of being in two halves for much longer, and who could blame her?   
  
Her old man could, that's who!  
  
Her father always said she'd be a total disaster as a GURP. Right   
now, parentally-induced guilt was beginning to weigh her down.... She   
needed to find another body quickly before things really began to get   
out of hand.  
  
It was no use trying to go back to the guest house. Whatever had   
been causing the reality breach had created waves of chi around the   
girls there. What she needed to find now was someone who was relatively   
close to the others, but whose life was still vaguely normal. Almost   
automatically, her soul was shot towards its new destination, and before   
she had time to think, found herself slamming into the body of   
another....  
  
  
"Are you alright?" Umino stared at Naru as she hiccoughed for a   
moment. Naru put her drink down and nodded to him, sitting across the   
table within the coffee shop.  
  
"Sorry, just a slight turn."  
"Don't worry. I get them all the time." The emotionless voice   
from the girl sitting next to Naru intoned. Umino and Naru looked at   
her for a moment.  
"Really, Ayanami-san?" Umino stated. "How long have you had this   
problem?"  
"I'm not really sure." She continued in her monotone. Then she   
noticed Naru staring at her and turned to face her. "Nani?"  
"Your hair is blue." Naru blinked a couple of times. Umino   
looked from Ayanami to Naru.  
"Uh.... Yeah. I think that's rather obvious, Naru-chan."  
"Actually, its technically cyan. Or teal. Depends on your point   
of view." The sentence was the longest the pair had ever heard Ayanami   
express. For some reason they thought it would be the last time they'd   
ever hear one like it. Ayanami stared at Naru, who stared ar her.  
Ten minutes later, they were still staring.  
Twenty minutes later, they were still staring.  
Thirty minutes later, Naru decided that Ayanami wasn't likely to   
ask her why she was staring, and stopped, using eyedrops to resurrect   
her dehydrated eyeballs. Well, she thought, if I ever need someone to   
use in a staring contest against a fish, I'll know who to ask....  
"Um.... Sorry about that. It just occurred to me. you know,   
about the hair."  
"I see." Ayanami turned and downed the last of her now cold   
coffee and stood, picking up her schoolbag. "I must be getting home. I   
shall see you tomorrow."  
"Wait, I'll walk with you." Naru stood. Ayanami shrugged.  
"Be my guest. But what about...." Ayanami turned to Umino, who   
had nodded off during their staring contest. "I guess that settles   
that." Naru grabbed her schoolbag and the two girls wandered out of the   
cafe.  
  
Umino was asleep for only a couple of minutes more, when he was   
woken by a girl with a large can-opener, smashing through the cafe   
window and jumping onto his table.  
"DINSDALE!" Was all she got out as Umino was knocked back by the   
can-opener's handle during her next leap... Across the counter, bowling   
over the girls who were serving there, through the doors into the   
kitchen, and onwards to a chorus of smashing pots, pans and concrete.  
  
  
Back at the guest house, Ami held Usagi's head in her lap. Usagi   
still looked distinctly queasy, even after emptying the contents of her   
stomach. Rei had grabbed a cloth and a bucket in an effort to clean off   
the mess, only to find the swamp thing had absorbed it all by osmosis.   
Well, she thought, they had to be good for something. Rei sat down   
forlornly by the broken table.  
  
"That was all pretty weird, y'know, everyone losing their thread   
like that."  
".sguls neeb evah dluoc yeht ,esrow neeb evah dluoc tI" Ami said,   
stroking Usagi's hair for a moment.  
Rei stared at her for a moment. "What did you say?"  
Ami looked up at her. "?tahW ......dias I ....mmU" Ami put her   
hand to her mouth. "!sdrawkcab tuo gnimoc era senil ym llA"  
"That's what I thought you said....." Rei shook her head. There   
were a few pills in the medicine cabinet she'd personally liked to have   
been consuming right now.... But in all likelihood, her Grandfather   
would have probably got to them first, the geriatric little addict....  
  
"Oh God! Oh God!" Rei and Ami turned to the voice that arrived   
from the doorway.  
"Ce.... CereCere? What are YOU doing here?" Rei turned and   
stood as the asteroid senshi fell to her knees, puffing heavily. "And   
anyway, how did you get here? I thought you and the others were...."   
Rei raised an eyebrow in confusion. The last time she and the asteroid   
senshi had met, the girl had not been entirely in her right mind. Rei   
watched her suspiciously.  
"Oh god oh god oh god, its horrible...." CereCere clutched her   
chest in pain. Rei sighed and walked over to the strange, red-headed   
girl and put a hand on her shoulder.  
"What is? What's happened?"  
"Its too horrible to talk about.... The very sight of it...."   
CereCere burst into tears. Rei did her best to comfort her.  
"You can tell me.... We're both senshi. Maybe we can help...."  
CereCere almost choked on her words. "I've just seen Independence   
Day.... Oh God, its so horrible, I don't know if I'll ever recover."  
  
After Rei, Ami and the swamp thing picked themselves up from the   
floor, CereCere put a finger in the air, her expression changing to a   
rather more positive tone. "Aha, I remember what I'm here for now. Its   
even more horrible than that."  
"?si tahW" Ami asked.  
"Yeah, What is?" Repeated Rei.  
"Its ParaPara..... She's forgotten to take her medication this   
morning...."  
  
Suddenly, from nowhere, lightning flashed, thunder rumbled, the   
earth was torn asunder.... The land was visited upon by tsunamis and   
typhoons. There was flood, and famine, and pestilence and death....   
Minako spun around. "And on the satellite picture, we have a broad band   
of clouds which is currently to the east of Honshu...."  
  
Rei pitched the swamp thing at Minako. "I think the next song in   
the Beatles collection is 'Ticket to Ride'. Get on with it, blondie!"  
  
  
The walk had been a long and silent one. Naru peered aside   
occasionally at the new girl. Ayanami's face was a mask of sheer, gut   
wrenchingly determined boredom. Eventually, Naru could take no more.   
There was something she had to ask her. It was imperitive that she be   
asked. Naru grabbed Ayanami's shoulder before they crossed the main   
road leading to her house. "Ayanami-san!" Ayanami stared at her in   
surprise. "You don't mind if I call you Ayanami-san? It does seem a   
little formal. How about just Ayanami?"  
"Uh... Fine, fine."  
"Yes, Ayanami. A little less formal. I like to get an easy   
rapport with people, you know. Formality really gets in the way with   
things." Naru breathed a little easier. "Now, Rei, I... You don't   
mind if I call you Rei?"  
"No... No, everyone calls me Rei."  
"Yes. Its so much easier.... Less formal. um, now Aya-chan...."  
"I'm sorry..."  
"What?"  
"I don't like being called 'Aya-chan'."  
"Hmm?"  
"I don't like being called 'Aya-chan'. Its that simple."  
"Did I really call you Aya-chan?"  
"Yes you did. It was very demeaning. I don't like it."  
  
For some reason, Naru was feeling annoyed with herself, as if this   
whole train of conversation was getting in the way of something....   
Suddenly she remembered.  
"Who.... Who are you?"  
Rei stared at Naru. Naru gritted her teeth. "I'm not going to   
start another staring contest. I know you're not supposed to be part of   
this scenario. You're an anachronism."  
"What do you mean?"  
"I mean... I mean..." For a moment, Naru wondered what she   
meant. Then suddenly, Naru's face hardened. "I'm the Guardian of the   
Universal Reality Protocols."  
"Oh? Would you like to read our meter? Its a Keats...."  
"My name in Jyoserin Tepukataya."  
"Well, I'm very sorry for you."  
Jyoserin.... She now remembered who she was.... It had taken a   
while to suppress the Naru-personality.... Jyoserin became annoyed with   
this Ayanami girl's flat tone.  
"Who are you, Ayanami Rei? According to the records stored in the   
local computer, you simply do NOT exist in this universe. In several   
others, yes, but not in this one."  
  
Jyoserin-Naru moved on Ayanami, who backed into the wall,   
frightened by the expression on the other girl's face.  
"I dddddon't know wwwwwwhat you mmmean...."  
"Oh, I think you do. Of all the aspects within this twisted   
scenario, you're the one anachronism to appear.... Now you either tell   
me who you really are and what you are doing here, or I'll bring the   
wrath of nonexistence down upon you."  
  
Ayanami turned aside for a moment. "Alright.... I'll tell you.   
But not here. People can hear us here." Ayanami looked back at   
Jyoserin-Naru for a moment, then her eyes fixed on something behind her.   
An expression of surprise, mixed in with no expression at all, crossed   
her face, forcing Jyoserin to turn. A huge ball of smoke and light had   
appeared in the air above the middle of the road, and a figure emerged.  
  
A clown like figure, with red hair and yellow-red clothing.   
Jyoserin spun and stood in front of Ayanami as the clown stepped down   
onto the road, cackling to himself.  
"Well well well, what have we here? Two young girls just brimming   
with energy."  
Jyoserin gritted her teeth. What the hell else was this reality   
breach going to throw up? "Who are you?" She demanded.  
  
"Me?" The clown replied haughtily. "My name is Ronaldite, first   
general to Neo Queen Burial. And I am here for your energy...."  
  
And with that, Ronaldite spread out his hands, sending sparks of   
electricity, plasma and fire towards Jyoserin and Ayanami....  
------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Who is Ronaldite? (Umm... isn't that already answered? Not entirely,   
but it won't advance the plot any. Just give me a reason to spew   
bullshit for several paragraphs in the next chapter....). Will Jyoserin   
and Ayanami escape his evil plans? (Of course they do. Be a pretty   
short chapter if they didn't). Why are the Senshi behaving like a pack   
of stupid, psychotic prats? Is this any different to how they normally   
act? Who is the mysterious figure within Jyoserin's base, and what does   
she have to do with the Reality Breach?  
  
With any luck, none of these questions shall be answered to any   
satisfaction in the next chapter. That'd mean there'd be nothing left   
for chapter 3..... Oh well.  
  
  
PREVIEW OF CHAPTER 2  
  
Jyoserin and Ayanami slowly walked down the darkened time passage.   
For some reason, there seemed to be a distinctive pattern to the walls   
of the tunnel, like bone. Jyoserin shivered... Even with the worst   
nightmares of creation at her disposal, she still felt chill at the   
thought of being so close to something that resembled life. Ayanami,   
for her part, didn't say anything or look like she felt anything. Well,   
that was pretty much par for the course.  
  
"How much farther do we have to go?" Jyoserin stared at Ayanami.   
The girl looked aside at her.  
"Not far now." She pointed ahead. "You can see the exit."   
Surely enough, there appeared a light at the end of the tunnel.   
Suddenly, Ayanami grabbed Jyoserin and threw the both of them against   
the wall.  
"What the fuck?" Was all Jyoserin could get out as a large   
freight train went roaring past.... The two of them watched as each   
carriage rumbled through with great speed, then relaxed as the last went   
through.... "Hmm.... The light at the end of the tunnel WAS the train   
coming the other way..." Jyoserin mumbled.  
"That was not possible." Ayanami said flatly, now having let go   
of Jyoserin and brushing herself down.  
"Yes, well, I should have thought that was pretty obvious."   
Jyoserin moved about as far from the wall as was possible. The bit she   
had been pushed against had a formation that looked suspiciously like a   
grinning skull.  
"No. I mean look...." Ayanami pointed down the tunnel. There,   
in the light of the exit, stood a figure. She looked a tad old to be   
wearing the senshi sailorfuku, but in this reality everyone seemed to be   
exactly ten years behind in their intellectual development. The woman   
had long dark green hair and carried a staff.  
  
"That's Meiou Setsuna...." Jyoserin scratched her head. She went   
over the stats of those caught in the reality breach. Meiou Setsuna, a   
university student, majoring in History, Classics and Temporal   
Philosophy.... And here she was wearing a sailorfuku, carrying a big   
stick, standing at the exit of a time tunnel that shouldn't exist that   
lead to a future that shouldn't exist....  
"Hai. It is her," Ayanami stepped forward towards the oldest of   
the senshi, followed at a distance by Jyoserin. As they came within two   
metres of Setsuna, she thrust out her staff in a manner that meant for   
them to stop.  
"It is I, Pluto, Ayanami Rei, messenger of the Small Lady."   
Ayanami stared at Setsuna, who seemed to be in the mood for a staring   
contest with the unmistakeable champion. Jyoserin wasn't in the mood   
for it.  
  
"Stand aside, Meiou! We must speak with the young Tsukino Usagi!"  
  
"None shall pass!" Setsuna's voice was flat, but threatening.  
  
"What?" Jyoserin looked at Ayanami, who looked back at her and   
shrugged.  
  
"None shall pass." Setsuna repeated. She took a step forward.  
  
"Look, we don't have any argument with you, alright? This girl   
here was sent by the.... uhh... 'Small Lady', to check up on events in   
the past. Surely, as the Guardian of the Time Gate, you can understand   
the importance of preserving the flow of time?"  
  
"It is my duty to guard the time gate. None shall pass." Setsuna   
set them with a steely glare. Jyoserin was getting pretty pissed off   
now.  
  
"Then we shall have to force our way through..."  
  
"Then you shall die." Setsuna was suddenly surrounded by a flare   
of energy. "Deddo Sukariimo...." From the top of her staff, a huge   
ball of energy flew at the two girls. Ayanami put up her hand, and the   
energy shattered against an invisible barrier. She then flung her hand   
in a cutting manner towards Setsuna. There was a spray of blood as the   
energy fields created by the two dissipated.  
  
Setsuna stared at where her left arm used to connect to her   
shoulder, and found nothing more than a bleeding stump. She looked up   
at the pair defiantly.  
  
"Alright! I'll 'ave you for that!" Setsuna waved the staff at   
them with her remaining arm. They ignored her.  
  
"Get out of our way, Pluto." Ayanami pointed at her. "You have   
been defeated." Jyoserin looked from Setsuna to Ayanami, trying to hold   
onto some semblence of normality.  
  
"No I'm not!"  
  
"Yes you are. I've wounded you."  
  
Setsuna gave the missing arm a cursory glance. "Its just a   
fleshwound."  
  
Ayanami's face twisted. "But I've taken your arm off."  
  
"I've had worse."  
  
"You bloody liar."  
  
"C'mon then. Are you chicken or something?" Setsuna began   
prodding them with the staff in an attempt to provoke some reaction.   
"Chicken... Chicken..." She succeeded, but this time from Jyoserin.  
  
"Oh, I really don't have time for this." Jyoserin whipped up a   
large pull-cord from out of thin air. "Petanko puressu", she said as   
she pulled the cord. A large 10 ton weight dropped on top of Setsuna.   
Ayanami stared at Jyoserin.  
"I thought you said it was important that everything is set to   
rights?"  
"So?"  
"Well, it'd be hard to achieve that with Setsuna dead."  
"Oh bugger it. I'll just resurrect her later, after all this is   
done with."  
"I must say, that's a very cavalier attitude to take."  
"So sue me."  
  
  
Jyoserin and Ayanami moved past the weight, trying not to step in   
the mess that leaked out from the small space below it.  
"By the way..." Jyoserin asked. "What was that you used against   
her? you know, to cut off her arm and all..."  
"Ah, just an AT Field. They come in handy at times like this."  
  
As the pair exited the tunnel, the weight moved, and a slightly   
squished, but rapidly regenerating figure emerged from underneath.  
"Ah, I see. Running away are ya? You COWARDS!" Setsuna said,   
shaking half a fist at them. She spent the next ten minutes looking for   
the other half....  
  
  
Next Time on  
  
Sailor Python's FLYING DEAD MOON CIRCUS  
  
  
  
If you've bothered to read this far, you should see a specialist.  
  
Please mail all responses, comments, criticisms and abuse to  
ayanami@internode.on.net.  
  
DDFA 


	2. The bit after the first bit

Sailor Python's  
FLYING DEAD MOON CIRCUS  
by DARK DAY FOR ANIME  
  
  
Chapter 2 - "The Gathering Storm" or "Unless I'm Very Much Mistaken....   
Yes, I'm Very Much Mistaken"  
  
  
  
  
What has gone before....  
In an attempt to realign the proper course of reality, the Guardian of   
Universal Reality Protocols, Jyoserin Tepukataya, has possessed the body   
of Osaka Naru in the hope her presence will not be spotted. However,   
even before she has started to influence events, Jyoserin has discovered   
a girl who is an anchronism to the universe which she has been   
operating, Ayanami Rei. Jyoserin confronts Rei, and demands to know who   
she really is, but before Rei can tell her anything, they are attacked   
by a mysterious, clown-like figure, who calls himself Ronaldite....  
  
  
  
In the centuries following his successful takeover of the Baagakin   
Empire, his sacking of the Pizaha'at Republic and his wanton pissling   
over of the Khe'Efscie Kingdom, Ronaldite became steadily bored. The   
Makdonord Empire had conquered all there was worth fighting in this   
universe, and it had all been due to the clown-like Emperor's charisma,   
power and cheap meal deals, not to mention the extra fat and sugar used   
in his recipes.  
  
He had sat for so long in his castle, playing with the hearts and   
minds of his well-dominated subjects through his propaganda campaigns   
and advertisements (many found it hard to define which was which), but   
it was not enough. The Emperor needed a new challenge, new worlds to   
conquer. But there were no more to conquer, and he slowly sank into an   
increasing torpor from which he never thought he would escape.  
  
Then one day, whilst in his royal chamber, forcing some of his   
subjects to eat a new flavour of sundae, rancid halibut giblets, a woman   
appeared before him. A strangely attractive woman with long, wavy red   
hair and a dark gleam in her eyes. He was about to suggest that she get   
her eyes tested for glaucoma when she spoke.  
  
"Are you Ronaldite, Emperor of the Makdonord?" Ronaldite looked   
down at the woman from his raised dais. With one sweep of his hand, his   
chamber was emptied of subjects. In their place appeared Ronaldite's   
two subordinates, Hanbagura and Gurimasu.  
"You dare make demands upon I, woman?"  
The woman smiled. "I merely asked if you are the one I seek."  
  
Ronaldite squinted darkly at the woman. Both Hanbagura and   
Gurimasu were now standing either side of her, in case she might do   
something untoward. Yet there was no sign that the woman was even in   
the slightest concerned by their close presence. Such arrogant   
confidence, thought the Emperor.  
  
"And what if I am?" Ronaldite asked cautiously. The woman   
chuckled.  
"I require a man of great power to aid me in my conquest. Are you   
such a man?" The woman stared aside at Ronaldite. He rubbed his chin   
thoughtfully.  
"Hmm.. I am indeed a man of great power. But what is this place   
you wish to conquer? I have already succeeded in conquering all the   
known worlds."  
"Ah, but what of the unknown worlds beyond the borders of this   
universe?" This caught Ronaldite's interest.  
""Unknown worlds? Beyond this universe?"  
"Indeed. There are many universes. This is merely but one,   
Emperor Ronaldite." The woman watched as Ronaldite's eyes began to   
shine with excitement.  
"More worlds to conquer...." He shook with anticipation, then   
brought himself back under control as he turned to the woman. "You can   
confirm this, of course, Madam.... Uhhhh...."  
"You may call me Beryal. But many know me as Queen Burial."  
"Burial?" Ronaldite stared at Beryal.  
"The fate of my many enemies." Beryal stepped forward, putting   
out her hand. "Come, Ronaldite. I shall give you proof of my words."  
  
Before Ronaldite could step down from his dais, Hanbagura took   
Beryal by the shoulder and motioned his emperor to stop. "My master,   
this may be a trap." Hanbagura turned to look at Beryal, who stared   
back at him, smiling beatifically.  
  
"You may bring your subordinates, if you do not trust me, Emperor   
Ronaldite." She turned back to Ronaldite, who nodded. Hanbagura let   
Beryal go, allowing her to step forward towards his master. Ronaldite   
took Beryal's hand, and both they and Ronaldite's two subordinates   
disappeared from the chamber.  
  
It was to be several days before they returned. Fortunate,   
really, that the jouney was of much satisfaction to Ronaldite, because   
the smell of Rancid Halibut Giblet sundaes after being left out of   
storage for several days had caused most of the castle's inhabitants to   
die of Ecolli 1-11.  
  
  
In another place, another time, Ronaldite fired beams of energy at   
two young girls, standing beside a wall in a Tokyo street, dressed in   
sailorfuku.... What happened next wasn't entirely expected.  
  
"DINSDALE!!!" The voice was that of a girl, younger than the two   
he had been attacking. And she was carrying what appeared to be a large   
can-opener. Ronaldite was bowled over as the young girl flew through   
the air after jumping off the nearest tall building, his attacks fizzing   
out before the other two girls were struck.  
  
The two girls watched as their saviour continued on her way,   
disappearing around a street corner, then turned back to Ronaldite, now   
lying flat on the road, unconcious. The first of the girls, who had   
medium-length brown hair tied in a ribbon, turned to her light-blue   
haired companion.  
  
"What the fuck was THAT about?"  
"I dunno. I've never seen the guy before."  
  
Jyoserin was starting to get annoyed. "Now listen here, you   
bitch, I want to know just who the hell you are, and who the hell he is.   
Neither of you are in the Universal Program!" Jyoserin now had Ayanami   
up against the wall, holding her collar violently. Ayanami's expression   
was close to non-existent.  
  
"Calm yourself. I shall tell you everything."  
Jyoserin lightened her grip, and Ayanami smiled. For a moment,   
Jyoserin thouht Ayanami's face was going to fall off under the strain of   
the action.  
"Everything?" Jyoserin stared at Ayanami darkly.  
"Of course. In fact, I could take you to my master. She will   
explain evrything to you. If you so wish, of course."  
"Your master?" Jyoserin's head began to spin. Just how ingrained   
was this reality breach now?  
"Indeed. It was she who sent me here to keep a watch over   
events."  
"And who might this 'master' of yours be?"  
"She goes by the name of Tsukino Usagi."  
Jyoserin's jaw hit the ground. It required Ayanami's assistance   
to reposition it in its rightful place. "Tsukino Usagi???? You don't   
mean that girl...."  
Ayanami shook her head. "No, not THAT Tsukino Usagi. I'm talking   
about her daughter, from the future. The one who is referred to in this   
time as Chibiusa."  
Jyoserin nodded, understanding now. It didn't make things any   
better, however. "The girl who was sent back in time to 'learn' from   
her elders...."   
Jyoserin rubbed her chin and thought for a few moments.... Time   
travel wasn't possible. At least, not in this corner of the universe   
for quite a few thousand years. There were other races who had the   
ability of time travel in other parts of the universe, and were quite   
adept at manipulating the affairs and histories of other people. It was   
possible that one of these groups had begun to manipulate the history of   
this planet, but their efforts caused the reality breach....  
  
Before Jyoserin could think further about things, she heard a   
groaning noise behind her. Both she and Ayanami looked back at   
Ronaldite, who was regaining conciousness, lifting himself onto all   
fours. Jyoserin turned to Ayanami.  
"At once. Take me to your master before that idiot gets up."  
Ayanami nodded. Suddenly, a large, open phone box appeared around   
the pair of them, and the door rapidly slammed shut, just as Ronaldite   
got to his feet. The phone box faded away as he watched, rubbing his   
head.  
  
"Are wa TAIHEN!" Ronaldite gritted his teeth. He pulled a valve   
open on his thumb and began to blow himself up like a balloon. Slowly,   
he floated into the sky. "I must tell Queen Burial of this turn of   
events." He then vanished into a cloud of smoke....  
  
  
  
Makoto stood alone in her house. Alone. It was beginning to   
annoy her. She had charged all the way home after running off in a fit   
of pointless pique from the shrine. She didn't even know why she'd done   
it. There just seemed to be an enormous anger building up inside her.   
She shivered and realized she'd left the door open. Taking a few deep   
breaths, she turned and shut the door.  
  
She stood there for several moments, staring at the back of the   
door. Alone, she thought. The anger began to build up again, and she   
clenched her fists. No, dammit, you can't let it get a hold of you....   
It was then that she realized she was digging her fingernails into the   
palm of her hands. Blood dripped freely as she opened her hands up and   
jumped around the room to various strains and verses of "itaaaiiiiii..."  
  
Eventually, she'd gone to the bathroom to wash her hands off. It   
was only there that she realized how fascinating the way the blood ran   
with the water down the sink really was....  
  
  
  
Rei now sat in her bedroom against her bed. Most of the others   
had left after the less-than-successful get together they had planned in   
the hope of studying something.... Anything.... But it was not to be.   
Usagi was sick after eating a container of snails and subsequently   
coating one of her walls with them (cleaned up thanks to the efforts of   
a swamp thing that still sat in the corner of her room, staring off into   
space). Ami, having had her snail collection consumed in front of her,   
had left in a state of extreme depression and aphasia. Rei was a little   
concerned about her state of mind, but not a great deal. Everyone's   
state of mind seemed to have gone a little astray over the past few   
days, and Rei couldn't work out why.  
  
Now Rei's only companion was a girl she didn't entirely know or   
trust. CereCere, the asteroid senshi, had at one stage been an enemy of   
the planetary senshi when under the control of the Dead Moon Circus.   
She and her three companions, JunJun, VesVes and ParaPara, were known   
then as the Amazoness Quartet. And all four were quite incurably   
insane. What else would one expect from girls whose hairstyles required   
a small construction company to maintain?  
  
Now CereCere sat at the recently, and quickly, repaired table,   
swivelling her head around in an attempt to relieve the boredom her ten-  
second attention span engendered.  
  
"So... So.... What are we going to do?" CereCere asked Rei   
abruptly. Rei shrugged.  
"What can we do. Unless ParaPara does something stupid, we're not   
likely to find her until she returns home. By the way, where is your   
home, anyway?"  
  
CereCere smiled knowingly. "Ah, you'd just like to know the   
answer to that, wouldn't you, eh? Eh? Eh? Well, I'm not going to tell   
you, yes, I'm not. So there, nyah boo."  
  
Rei sighed. "Can you please explain what is going on with   
ParaPara again?" Rei leaned her head back against the bed. She was   
feeling seriously bored, and the medication she was on to control her   
disorder wasn't making her feel particularly good, either.  
  
"Ah, yes. Well. I woke up this morning and was getting ready to   
go to school, when VesVes popped her head into my bedroom and asked me   
to pick it up. You know what her neck's like, always coming loose and   
all. So, after handing her head back to her, I asked her what she   
wanted, and she told me that ParaPara had already left for school, which   
is most unusual as ParaPara hates school. It requires too much   
intelligence and thats not a lot of what ParaPara is made of."  
  
Rei listened quietly and began to wonder what kind of school it   
was that would accept four girls like the asteroid senshi. "Go on..."   
She said when she realized CereCere had stopped for dramatic effect.  
  
"Well, I then asked VesVes to check if ParaPara had taken her   
medication this morning. She has a complex multiple psychotic and   
personality disorder, you know..."  
  
"Yes, you have mentioned it in passing...."  
  
"Well, VesVes came back and told me that her pillbox was   
untouched. We then stared at each other for several minutes as the   
truth of what was going on sank in... And then we freaked. You know   
what VesVes looks like when she freaks? Its not pretty, I tell you. It   
took JunJun at least three hours to get her head out of the ceiling...."  
  
"And then?"  
  
"And then we raced to school. Late as usual, but then we've never   
been early. I mean, who wants to be early, school is there to simply   
disseminate disinformation anyway.... Its all a conspiracy, you   
see..... Backed by the CIA, MI5 and Mossad. We've been keeping an eye   
on them for years, now...."  
  
"So says the girl with the hairstyle like spaghetti   
architecture...."  
  
"Well, anyways, when we gets there, she's not there. So we really   
freaks out, y'see, cos that means she's gone stark staring bonkers on   
her ways there. And ya never know what might happen if she's a gonna   
transform herself into Sailorpallas.... She could use her powers to do   
anything...."  
  
Rei began to understand CereCere's concerns. "Indeed. But then,   
none of the senshi have been in their right minds for a while.... Ami's   
gotten all depressed and strange, Usagi's been eating weird things,   
Mako-chan keeps losing her thread all the time, having tantrums, and   
Minako's off with the birdies.... Well, that last one requires not too   
much a stretch of imagination to believe...."  
  
"What about that girl with the big can-opener?" CereCere stared   
at Rei as she sat up. Rei sighed.  
"I'm not sure what's gotten into her. And it isn't a can-opener,   
that's the Silence Glaive. Its considerably more dangerous a weapon   
than any other we senshi have in our possession...."  
"So why is she running around town with it? Looks likes to me   
she's after somethings really bad."  
"Yes, indeed. Something called 'Dinsdale'. I wonder what, or   
who, this Dinsdale really is."  
"I feels kinda sorry for hims, if she's after hims wiv dat big   
thing." CereCere sniffed. "Maybes its got something ta do wiv   
ParaPara. Her power's got a tendency to go hands in hands wiv her   
mental state. Maybes she's affecting everyone else?"  
  
Rei stared at CereCere. "Wh.... What did you say?"  
"I said maybe she's affecting everyone else...."  
  
Rei stood quickly. "You may be right. How long has she been   
missing?"  
"Uh, pretty much all day...."  
"Hmm...." Rei rubbed her chin. "I wonder. It doesn't seem long   
enough a period of time for her to have affected our states of mind,   
yet....."  
"Yeah, but its possibles she ain't been takin' er medication for a   
while, see? She's pretty irresponsible."  
"So why weren't you making sure of it, you stupid cow?"  
  
CereCere looked hurt. "I can't watch over her all the time. Like   
the doctor said, we all gotta take responsibility fer our own lives,   
see."  
  
Rei sighed. "Well, there's only one way I can think of finding   
her...."  
  
CereCere stared at Rei for a few moments. "You're not going to   
set fire to the shrine again, are you?"  
  
"Baka."  
  
  
  
Jyoserin and Ayanami slowly walked down the darkened time passage.   
For some reason, there seemed to be a distinctive pattern to the walls   
of the tunnel, like bone. Jyoserin shivered... Even with the worst   
nightmares of creation at her disposal, she still felt chill at the   
thought of being so close to something that resembled life, yet wasn't.   
Ayanami, for her part, didn't say anything or look like she felt   
anything. Well, that was pretty much par for the course.  
  
It had been something of a surprise to Jyoserin when the phone   
booth slammed shut in her face. One moment she could see Ronaldite   
standing outside, staring at them through the windows of the booth, the   
next, she was standing at the entrance of what appeared to be a long,   
dark tunnel.... Ayanami had beckoned her to follow, and so, here they   
were.  
  
"How much farther do we have to go?" Jyoserin stared at Ayanami.   
The girl looked aside at her.  
"Not far now." She pointed ahead. "You can see the exit."   
Surely enough, there appeared a light at the end of the tunnel.   
Suddenly, Ayanami grabbed Jyoserin and threw the both of them against   
the wall.  
"What the fuck?" Was all Jyoserin could get out as a large   
freight train went roaring past.... The two of them watched as each   
carriage rumbled through with great speed, then relaxed as the last went   
through.... "Hmm.... The light at the end of the tunnel WAS the train   
coming the other way..." Jyoserin mumbled.  
"That was not possible." Ayanami said flatly, now having let go   
of Jyoserin and brushing herself down.  
"Yes, well, I should have thought that was pretty obvious."   
Jyoserin moved about as far from the wall as was possible. The bit she   
had been pushed against had a formation that looked suspiciously like a   
grinning skull.  
"No. I mean look...." Ayanami pointed down the tunnel. There,   
in the light of the exit, stood a figure. She looked a tad old to be   
wearing the senshi sailorfuku, but in this reality everyone seemed to be   
exactly ten years behind in their intellectual development. The woman   
had long dark green hair and carried a staff.  
  
"That's Meiou Setsuna...." Jyoserin scratched her head. She went   
over the stats of those caught in the reality breach. Meiou Setsuna, a   
university student, majoring in History, Classics and Temporal   
Philosophy.... And here she was wearing a sailorfuku, carrying a big   
stick, standing at the exit of a time tunnel that shouldn't exist that   
lead to a future that shouldn't exist....  
"Hai. It is her," Ayanami stepped forward towards the oldest of   
the senshi, followed at a distance by Jyoserin. As they came within two   
metres of Setsuna, she thrust out her staff in a manner that meant for   
them to stop.  
"It is I, Pluto, Ayanami Rei, messenger of the Small Lady."   
Ayanami stared at Setsuna, who seemed to be in the mood for a staring   
contest with the unmistakeable champion. Jyoserin wasn't in the mood   
for it.  
  
"Stand aside, Meiou! We must speak with the young Tsukino Usagi!"  
  
"None shall pass!" Setsuna's voice was flat, but threatening.  
  
"What?" Jyoserin looked at Ayanami, who looked back at her and   
shrugged.  
  
"None shall pass." Setsuna repeated. She took a step forward.  
  
"Look, we don't have any argument with you, alright? This girl   
here was sent by the.... uhh... 'Small Lady', to check up on events in   
the past. Surely, as the Guardian of the Time Gate, you can understand   
the importance of preserving the flow of time?"  
  
"It is my duty to guard the time gate. None shall pass." Setsuna   
set them with a steely glare. Jyoserin was getting pretty pissed off   
now.  
  
"Then we shall have to force our way through..."  
  
"Then you shall die." Setsuna was suddenly surrounded by a flare   
of energy. "Deddo Sukariimo...." From the top of her staff, a huge   
ball of energy flew at the two girls. Ayanami put up her hand, and the   
energy shattered against an invisible barrier. She then flung her hand   
in a cutting manner towards Setsuna. There was a spray of blood as the   
energy fields created by the two dissipated.  
  
Setsuna stared at where her left arm used to connect to her   
shoulder, and found nothing more than a bleeding stump. She looked up   
at the pair defiantly.  
  
"Alright! I'll 'ave you for that!" Setsuna waved the staff at   
them with her remaining arm. They ignored her.  
  
"Get out of our way, Pluto." Ayanami pointed at her. "You have   
been defeated." Jyoserin looked from Setsuna to Ayanami, trying to hold   
onto some semblence of normality.  
  
"No I'm not!"  
  
"Yes you are. I've wounded you."  
  
Setsuna gave the missing arm a cursory glance. "Its just a   
fleshwound."  
  
Ayanami's face twisted. "But I've taken your arm off."  
  
"I've had worse."  
  
"You bloody liar."  
  
"C'mon then. Are you chicken or something?" Setsuna began   
prodding them with the staff in an attempt to provoke some reaction.   
"Chicken... Chicken..." She succeeded, but this time from Jyoserin.  
  
"Oh, I really don't have time for this." Jyoserin whipped up a   
large pull-cord from out of thin air. "Petanko puressu", she said as   
she pulled the cord. A large 10 ton weight dropped on top of Setsuna.   
Ayanami stared at Jyoserin.  
"I thought you said, before we entered the tunnel, that it was   
important for everything to be set to rights?"  
"So?"  
Ayanami pointed to the large weight sitting in a pool of blood.   
"Well, it'd be hard to achieve that with Setsuna dead."  
"Oh bugger it. I'll just resurrect her later, after all this is   
done with."  
"I must say, that's a very cavalier attitude to take."  
"So sue me." Jyoserin sniffed. "Its not every day one gets to   
use some of the fringe benefits of the job."  
  
Jyoserin and Ayanami moved past the weight, trying not to step in   
the mess that leaked out from the small space below it.  
"By the way..." Jyoserin asked. "What was that you used against   
her? you know, to cut off her arm and all..."  
"Ah, just an AT Field. They come in handy at times like this."  
"AT Field?" Jyoserin queried. "Isn't that a soccer stadium in   
England?"  
"Baaaaka!"  
"Now you're sounding like Hoshino Ruri."  
"Who's she?"  
"Oh, just this girl I know. Has blue hair and says very little."  
"....."  
"Aww, stop sulking. You know she's just a clone of you,   
really...."  
"What? You mean another?"  
  
As the pair exited the tunnel, the weight moved, and a slightly   
squished, but rapidly regenerating figure emerged from underneath.  
"Ah, I see. Running away are ya? You COWARDS!" Setsuna said,   
shaking half a fist at them. She spent the next ten minutes looking for   
the other half....  
  
  
  
Makoto attempted to relax herself by cooking. Well, it always   
worked before, but making cookies in the shape of guns, knives and   
dismembered bodies didn't seem to smack her as being entirely normal.  
  
This is insane, she thought. What the hell is going on with my   
mind? Then she heard her neighbours arguing.  
  
A young couple, recently married, had only moved into the place   
next door a matter of weeks ago, and almost immediately were at each   
other's throats. Makoto had put up with it all this time but enough was   
enough. She decided it was time to put things to rights. She grabbed a   
large kitchen knife and stormed out through her front door. After a few   
minutes of horrified death screams, she returned with a bloody knife and   
blood all over her apron. She stretched, yawning.  
  
"Ah, that feels so much better." She looked down at the mess on   
the apron. "Whoops... Better get that cleaned off." She took off the   
apron and walked into her small laundry, humming a tune....  
  
  
  
Beryal was expecting Ronaldite to return as quickly as he had.   
Well, that's what it looked like to him, anyway.   
  
The court of her castle was big, dark and empty. Ronaldite   
wondered who she had called in to do the interior decorating as he   
floated down from the ceiling, where he had appeared. As he touched the   
floor, he returned to his normal size.  
  
"So, Ronaldite.... You return empty-handed." Beryal smiled,   
leaning back in her throne. Ronaldite said nothing, merely turning away   
from her. "Did we bump into one of our much-industrious enemies, the   
Sailor Senshi?"  
  
"I cannot tell." Ronaldite said, eventually. "I was about to   
drain two young girls of their energy when I was knocked down by a   
third. A young girl carrying what looked to me to be a large can-  
opener...."  
  
"Hmmm...." Beryal said silkily.  
  
"Then, when I came to, the other two girls disappeared into what   
appeared to be an old phone booth.... It vanished before my eyes...."  
  
Beryal sat up in her throne. "A phone booth?"  
"Indeed. It appeared from nowhere and whisked them away."  
"Hmm.... I didn't know telecommunication carriers provided that   
good a service. They must be paying through the nose for that...."  
"Umm, I think one of them used it as a transportation vehicle. It   
appeared to be a metaphor for her power....."  
Beryal chuckled. "And here I was, thinking of negotiating a new   
payment plan. Oh well. So, it appears we have a new kind of enemy."  
"What makes you say that."  
  
Beryal shrugged. "This does not appear to be a method of   
transportation used by our enemy. Certainly not one I have encountered   
before. But then, their powers change every time there is a crisis...."  
"Like?"  
"Oh... New seasons. Replacement directors. Flagging ratings,   
etc etc..."  
  
Ronaldite sniffed contemptuously. He had become somewhat less   
impressed by Beryal over the last few months. Although their campaign   
had been successful until now, Beryal's treatment of their campaign on   
this little fringe world had been a tad circumspect.... He came to a   
decision.  
  
"I am going to follow the trail of power left by those two girls,   
and find out just who and what they are."  
  
"Why didn't you do that before?"  
"I didn't think it necessary at the time. But now, looking   
back.... The possibility that these two could represent some other   
conspiring force.... It intrigues me..."  
"Very well. But please be back by dinner time."  
"Hmph." Ronaldite threw up his hand, and a sphere of energy   
appeared. "Biggu Makku Transportation!" He shouted, and he disappeared   
in a flash. Beryal stood from her throne a stepped forward, rubbing her   
chin a moment.  
  
"This should be interesting...." She said as she turned, her   
figure transforming into an equally tall, slender woman with pink hair.   
Beryal, or the woman who had been Beryal, wandered into the shadows,   
laughing to herself.  
  
  
Rei sat in front of the flame chanting, dressed in the full   
regalia of a Miko, watched over by a half-interested CereCere.  
"Abura Kadabura Aburamu... Abura Kadabura Aburamu... Abura   
Kadabura Aburamu... Abura Kadabura Aburamu... Abura Kadabura   
Aburamu... Abura Kadabura Aburamu... Abura Kadabura Aburamu..." Rei's   
voice became more insistent as she went along. CereCere picked her   
nose. Suddenly, an image appeared in the flame. So powerful, even   
CereCere could see it. Rei opened her eyes when she heard the other   
girl gasp.  
  
"Thats it. Thats ParaPara for sure." CereCere knelt next to Rei.   
"What is she doing?"  
The image showed ParaPara, sitting at a park bench, staring up at   
the clouds. There were people walking past her, staring at the girl's   
hairstyle. ParaPara seemed to be ignoring them.  
"At least she's not doing anything untoward at the moment." Rei   
sighed. "It'd be a disaster if she was."  
"Where is she? What park is that?"  
"It looks like that one thats a couple of blocks away, just past   
the shopping mall." Rei rubbed her chin and was surprised when she   
heard CereCere hiss. "What? What is it?"  
"Shopping malls. Very bad."  
"Why?"  
"They send her loopy. Even on the medication, they send her   
loopy."  
"Send me pretty loopy as well." Rei stood as the vision slowly   
dissipated. CereCere followed her example. "We're going to have to get   
over there straight away. She may move in the meantime."  
"Maybe we should transform? We'll be able to get there faster as   
senshi...."  
Rei nodded. The two girls went through their transformation   
routine and left the shrine grounds as Mars and Ceres.  
  
  
Usagi lay on her bed, face forward. Well, she thought, she really   
had nobody else to blame for her misfortune. Whatever possessed her to   
eat a container of live snails? She shivered at the thought. For some   
reason, she began to feel hungry again. Well, that really shouldn't be   
a surprise, as she had emptied the contents of her stomach all over   
Rei's wall. Rei'll be at her about that for months, she could see it   
now.  
  
There was a knock on her bedroom door and she turned and sat up.   
"Come in." She waited, but whoever it was was intent on getting her to   
answer it. She stepped over and opened the door, and got hit in the   
face by a small flour bomb, thrown by her brother, Shingo. He stood at   
the end of the corridor, laughing his head off at her distress. Their   
mother came up the stairs and took Shingo by the scruff of the neck.  
  
"What are you up to now, you little squirt?" She asked.  
"Aww, I was just having fun with Usagi, thass all...."  
"You can do it after you finish dinner." She looked up at Usagi.   
"And you! Clean your face up. What the hell are you doing putting   
flour on your face?" Dragging Shingo, she made her way back down the   
stairs.  
  
Neither of them noticed the strange expression Usagi had. All she   
could do was stand there and watch them go, muttering to herself about   
'dinner'. Then she licked her lips.  
  
  
Ami sat at the kitchen table in her home. She was alone. As   
usual. On the table sat the container that once held her precious   
collection of snails. She began to feel exceedingly depressed.  
  
Books no longer seemed to excite her as they used to. She'd read   
just about all that had been published in human history, anyway.   
Ultimately, she'd come to the conclusion that the entire font of human   
knowledge was summed up with the following statement.... "The Butler   
did it." And who was she to argue?  
  
She stared at the tray for a very long time. It most certainly   
wasn't going away by itself. She ran a hand through her hair and   
gritted her teeth. She decided that she was having an attack of   
existentialist angst and quickly stood from her chair, clenching her   
fists. I've got to do something before I go mad, she thought.  
  
She was still standing there, five minutes later, staring at the   
container, only from a higher vantage point. Its no good, she thought,   
I'm completely lost, now. I don't have a worthy family life, and my   
friends appear to be going about as funny in the head as I am. She ran   
her hands over her face as tears came to her eyes. Maybe if I try and   
kill myself, she thought, then people will show me more attention.   
Maybe. Maybe not.  
  
Ami turned to the medicine cabinet and shivered. What if I   
succeed, she thought. Get a lot of attention then, for a very short   
period of time. Then its pretty much boredom for a very long time.  
  
Pretty much forever.  
  
She steeled herself and walked over to the cabinet, opening it.   
She grabbed the first bottle she found and opened it. It was half-  
filled with tiny white tablets. She didn't recognise them.  
  
"Oh stuff it", she said to herself, momentarily forgetting she was   
supposed to be aphasic, "Down the hatch." She tipped the contents into   
her mouth and swallowed them all. They were bitter to taste, which made   
her heave a couple of times, but they all went down. Dramatically, she   
slammed the jar down onto the counter, and feigned tragedy.  
  
"Oh woe is me." She said, placing the back of her hand to her   
forehead. Then she wiggled her nose and sniffed. For some reason, she   
suddenly felt congested. Then her nose blasted mucus, and herself,   
around the room like a soda tap. This went on for roughly five minutes,   
coating absolutely everything. Eventually she stopped when she grabbed   
hold of the table. Her nose let out a couple of final jets, then shut   
down for the night. She sniffed, and breathed better than she ever had   
in her entire life.  
  
"Aww jeez", she said to herself, "Of all the medicines I should   
try and overdose on, I chose a bottle of decogestants...." She rubbed   
her nose. "I won't have to blow this thing until I'm fifty."  
  
  
Makoto stepped out of the laundry, where the sound of the washing   
machine in action could be heard. She entered the kitchen and tasted   
one of her severed arm cookies. Hmmmm, lipsmacking stuff, she thought.   
Suddenly she became angry, and flung the baking tray across the kitchen.   
It hit the wall, smashing her freshly made cookies. She stormed out of   
the kitchen and into the lounge.  
  
"Dammit, dammit, dammit!" She cried out at the top of her voice.   
"What the FUCK is wrong with me?" She stormed around the lounge, almost   
jumping out of her skin. She could hear kids playing in the courtyard   
outside. She trembled with rage, a short sharp squeal coming to her   
throat. "No, please, not that...." She charged into the kitchen where   
she grabbed the knife she had used on her neighbours and a meat cleaver.   
Then she charged out again towards the front door, where she flung the   
meat cleaver into its back. She backed herself against the wall. "I   
won't. I won't kill them. Get out of my mind! I know you're trying to   
control me. I won't let it happen! Get out of my mind now!" Makoto   
flung herself to the opposite wall and began to bang her head. "Please,   
stop, I'm not going to do that, pleeeeease."  
  
  
Crystal Tokyo was one of the more incredible sights Jyoserin had   
seen in her universe. Even more incredible was the fact that it   
shouldn't even vaguely exist.  
  
Every single building was made from a crystalline substance.   
There were huge hanging gardens everywhere. Everyone was smiling, or at   
least didn't look miserable. In short, Jyoserin thought, it all looked   
like a load of utopian crap.  
  
The time gate exit had lead to a small park in the northern   
outskirts of Crystal Tokyo. Whatever the suburbs there had once been,   
they were most certainly no longer. Beautifully sculptured edifices,   
all of them unique, housed the generally multicultural population.   
There were halls of religious worship everywhere, regardless of religion   
of denomination. And all of this existing in perfect harmony. It was   
scary, to say the least, especially to someone who had gone out of her   
way to incite religious intolerance out of sheer boredom.  
  
Ayanami had guided Jyoserin through a couple of the streets and   
laneways, as unaffected by her surroundings as she had been in the Tokyo   
of the past. Jyoserin wondered what it could be that made someone so   
distanced from her experiences. In truth, Jyoserin knew what it was....   
But that was a program within another universe. Ayanami Rei was not   
meant to exist within this universe. At least, not this version, and   
not in these times.  
  
Eventually they arrived at what appeared to be a railway station,   
crafted of the finest pink crystal. As soon as they stepped onto the   
platform, an empty train carriage arrived.  
  
"Line to Central Palace now arrived. Please keep clear of the   
doors. Please keep clear of the doors." A soft, angelic voice wafted   
from the p.a. system. The carriage came to a stop, and its doors   
opened. Ayanami guided Jyoserin into the carriage and they sat in seats   
made of the finest fabric. Beautiful music played over the internal   
sound system of the carriage as the doors closed and it started to   
move.  
  
Jyoserin turned to the silent Ayanami as she stared out of the   
window. "You know I'm here to bring all of this to an end, don't you?"   
Ayanami didn't answer. Jyoserin sighed. "All this shouldn't exist, you   
know that?"  
"Hai."  
"And neither should you. You know that?"  
"Hai."  
"So why are you so meekly taking me to your mistress? Regardless   
of my threat, I would have expected a little more resistance on your   
part."  
Ayanami turned to face Jyoserin, then looked down. "There's no   
reason, really. We must all accept out fate. If I cease to exist, then   
that is the way it should be."  
"Aww shit, don't start pulling a Hideaki Anno on me." Jyoserin   
snorted. "I can deal with mindless philosophising, but not when it is   
backed by passive acceptance."  
  
"I don't WANT to cease to exist, but I'm afraid you give me no   
choice." Ayanami stared hard at Jyoserin. "I LIKE this world. I LIKE   
the people in it. I would DIE to defend this future. But can I defend   
it against someone who is the controller of the universe?"  
Jyoserin was taken aback. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to..."  
"I know." Ayanami turned back to the window.  
  
The carriage stopped for a moment, a tree outside the window.   
Both Jyoserin and Rei looked at each other for a moment as a voice came   
over the speakers.  
"This is the Larch. The Larch." The carriage continued.  
  
  
The rope was well tied to the shower rail as Ami tied the other   
end around her neck. She then kicked away the chair. The shower rail   
collapsed. She was unconcious for about half an hour after the rail had   
brained her one. She was most distressed to find out she had screwed up   
killing herself again when she came to.  
  
  
ParaPara had wandered the streets for hours now. They looked so   
pretty to her. She wondered why she'd never noticed their beauty   
before. The way they meandered. Their little nooks and crannies. The   
people that would walk along them. The tiny little nick-nack shops that   
lined them.  
  
As she created several blocks of traffic chaos by simply crossing   
the street wherever she felt like it, the buildings began to do a   
rendition of "Spanish Flea". Strange, really. She hated that song. Oh   
well, each to their own artistic licence.  
  
"Hello." A voice from behind her caught her attention as she   
giggled at a shop window display. The little cat statue that was close   
to compulsory for such establishments was taking dirty pictures of a   
kimono-clad doll. She turned to see a female Elvis impersonator with a   
four-piece orchestra behind her.  
"Is that you, ParaPara?" The impersonator asked.  
"Mmmmaybe. Why do you wear your ribbon like that?"  
"It helps to keep the flies away."  
"Must be Tuesday."  
"About half past three."  
"Then we must be off before the shops close."  
"Indeed. We are late, we are late, for a very important date."  
"Mmmmhmmm, I can smell that food now."  
  
And so ParaPara and the female Elvis Impersonator walked away, arm   
in arm, down the street, followed by the four-piece orchestra, which was   
doing its best to play Chopin. But it lost.  
  
  
From a building above, Mars and Ceres watched as ParaPara and   
Minako wandered off. "Ano baka!" Mars spat.  
"What's wrong?" Ceres inquired.  
"Of all the people she HAD to meet up with.... It had to be the   
Blond Special!" Mars sniffed and turned to Ceres. "We had better   
follow them. It would appear they're feeding off each others'   
psychosis."  
"But how? I means, is that possible?" Ceres looked confused.   
Mars worked this out by counting the large number of little question   
marks that surreally appeared over her head.  
"I'm not sure. Maybe the problems we've all been experiencing is   
due to ParaPara's powers, and her fragile state of mind. She could be   
feeding us all, bit by bit, aspects of that psychosis, tempered by   
things we're contributing. Our own fears, paranoias and neurosis."  
It took several minutes for Mars to rouse Ceres after she suffered   
intellectual overload. It didn't appear to Mars that her newfound   
companion was much used to such specious concepts like intelligence.  
  
  
Usagi sat at the kitchen table, eating her dinner. Eating it   
alone. The house was very quiet, she thought. It was a nice meal,   
although there was a lot of meat in it. Oh well, her mother made a good   
meal and that was all that mattered.  
  
It had taken twenty minutes to wash the flour off her face. Some   
of it had gotten into her hair as well, so she had to wash that out.   
Then it took a further half an hour to.... to.... She couldn't   
remember now. Whatever it had been was important, but for some reason   
she couldn't remember.  
  
Then the phone rang. Usagi looked around, hoping that someone   
would answer it, but nobody did. She sighed. "Why is it that I have to   
do everything around here?" She got up and answered the phone.  
"Moshi moshi?"  
"U.... Usagi-chan..." A choked voice came from the other end.  
"Mako-chan? Whats wrong?" Usagi sounded concerned as she heard   
Makoto sobbing softly.  
"Usagi.... Get stuffed." Makoto hung up. Usagi stared at the   
phone for several minutes. What a strange call, she thought. She was   
sure Mako was upset. But about what, she couldn't think. Maybe Mako   
wanted to apologise for her behaviour at Rei's shrine. Whatever the   
case, she failed.  
"Get stuffed indeed." She said as she hung up the phone.   
Suddenly, the doorbell rang. Usagi, who was about to sit down, growled   
impatiently. "Will someone please answer the door?" She called out.   
There was no response. Usagi gritted her teeth and marched to the front   
door, opening it roughly.  
  
"YES? WHAT DO YOU oh Mamo-chan." Usagi's expression turned sweet   
all of a sudden as Mamoru took twenty steps back from the door.  
"Um, I could come over later if now's a bad time."  
"No no no no, you're always welcome here, Mamo-chan." Usagi   
giggled inanely, hand behind her head, large sweat beads running down   
the side of her face. Mamoru smiled and stepped forward into the house   
as Usagi ripped the sweatbeads off and trampled them into the ground.  
"Sorry for the intrusion." Mamoru called out to no-one in   
particular, hoping to get some response. There was none, however, as   
Usagi closed the door behind   
them.  
"Is your family out, Usako?" Mamoru turned to her. She shrugged.  
"I don't know. Things went pretty quiet about half an hour ago.   
I was up in the bathroom, washing out flour that Shingo had dumped in my   
hair." She sniffed. "When I came down, everything was quiet as a   
mouse, with dinner laid out on the table for me. I just thought they   
were elsewhere in the house. Maybe they did go out...."  
"Oh well...." Mamoru shrugged. "I hope they don't think we're up   
to anything untoward with me in here whilst they're out."  
Usagi giggled. "Mamo-chan no ecchi...." He went red in the face.   
Then he remembered the box he had been carrying under his arm.  
"Ah, now I remember. I came over to give you this." He handed   
her the box. She took it and looked at the label.  
"Chocolates. Oh Mamo-chan, you shouldn't have...."  
"Well, its coming up to our third anniversary. You know, of when   
we first met each other. So I thought it may be worth a little   
something."  
"Mamo-chan...." Usagi hugged Mamoru, which made him smile with a   
little embarassment. He placed his arms around her, gently, until they   
eventually let go and continued on their way down the main passageway.  
  
Mamoru sniffed the air. "Hmm.... Dinner smells good. What is   
it?" Usagi smiled.  
"Oh, just a little some I whipped up from my mother, I mean Mom   
whipped up. The usual."  
"Hmmm. Can I have some?"  
"Sure, I'll see if there's any left over. Sit down for a bit,   
will you?" Usagi pointed to the lounge. Mamoru obliged as Usagi   
continued on into the kitchen. He found himself a lounge chair and sat   
back in it, feeling a little uncomfortable as something had been jammed   
between the seat cushion and the side of the chair. He found the remote   
control and turned on the tv, and was absent-mindedly switching channels   
with one hand as he reached down for the object with the other. It felt   
a little strange, like a damp cloth. He pulled his hand away and was   
shocked to see his fingers covered in blood. He stared at the blood for   
a few moments, then looked down at the gap in the seat. Gently, he   
pulled out what appeared to be a blood-covered shirt. A small shirt,   
about the same size as Shingo's.  
  
He held the shirt out in front of his face for a moment, frozen,   
not believing what it was that he'd found. Slowly, he stood, dropping   
the remote control, and wandered over towards the door leading to the   
kitchen area. On the vinyl floor of the hallway between the lounge and   
the kitchen were streaks of blood. Slowly, he began pacing down the   
hallway. To his left, the partially open door that lead to the laundry   
was open. There were bloodstains on the door. Gently, he pushed it   
open, and fell back against the opposite wall.  
  
The bodies of the Tsukinos were piled, partially hatcheted and cut   
up, in the middle of the floor, their blood still running down the   
overflow drain. Mamoru put a hand to his mouth, more to stop himself   
puking than anything else.  
  
"U.... U.... Usak...." he began to stutter.  
"Hmm? What is it, Mamo-chan?" Came her response from the kitchen   
as she ladled some of her mother's soup into a bowl.  
"Usako.... I think.... you should... come here... for a   
moment."  
Usagi sighed and put the bowl on the kitchen table. "What is it?   
What?" She trotted out to where Mamoru was standing, pale as a ghost.   
She looked at him concernedly. "Mamo-chan? Is there something wrong?   
You look ill...."  
Mamoru pointed towards the laundry, and Usagi turned.  
It took roughly sixty seconds of silence before Usagi fell to the   
floor.  
  
Mamoru leaned down to her and found she'd fainted clean away. He   
picked her up and carried her as far as the lounge when the phone began   
to ring. He suddenly felt confused as to what to do next, and placed   
Usagi in the seat he'd vacated. He then made his way back into the   
kitchen and answered the phone.  
  
"M... M... Moshi....  
"CHIIIIIIIIIIBA MAMORUUUUUUU....." The voice sounded somewhat   
demented. But it was clearly Makoto's.  
"Ma.... Mako-chan?"  
"Chiba Mamoru. You BASTARD!"  
"Wh... What have I...?"  
"You BASTARD! You remind me of my long lost senpai, you piece of   
SHIT!" She growled. "You just WAIT. I'm coming for you, CHIBA, and   
I'm gonna KILL you, you PIECE OF SHIT."  
Mamoru was beside himself. "What the BLOODY HELL has got into   
YOU? I've just found Usagi's family, all dead. Someone killed them."   
Then a thought occurred to him. "Did you do it, Kino-san? Did you kill   
them?"  
Makoto's voice suddenly went panicky. "No.... No.... I didn't.   
Oh GOD. What happened? Is Usagi alright? Oh GOD, Mamoru, you've got   
to help me. Something's happening to my mind... To all our minds, and   
its getting worse, getting out of control YOU BASTARD, PIECE OF SCUM   
SUCKING SHIT oh I'm sorry, Mamoru, I didn't mean to say that BULLSHIT I   
DIDN'T, don't worry, I'm coming round, if you need any help, I'll be   
there AND I'M GONNA CUT YOU INTO PIECES AND FINGER YOUR ENTRAILS seeya   
then, bye." Makoto hung up.  
  
Well, Mamoru thought, at least she sounds altogether today.  
"M... Mamo-chan..." Mamoru turned to see Usagi wander dazedly   
into the kitchen. "They're all dead... Mom, Dad and Shingo....   
They're all dead. They're all...." Mamoru caught Usagi as she   
collapsed and held her as she sobbed.  
  
Usagi licked her lips.  
  
  
Ami sat in the bath of water and held the hair-dryer high in the   
air.  
"Two, four, six, eight, bog in, don't wait."  
She dropped the hair-dryer into the bath.  
The electrical safety switch went into action.  
About the most Ami got out of this little exercise was an amazing   
new hairstyle. She then tried to drown herself after cursing her bad   
luck for several minutes, holding herself underwater. She then   
remembered that she was a senshi with water powers, due to the fact that   
she found herself breathing underwater.  
Slowly she raised herself from the bath, dripping wet. She stood   
in the middle of the bathroom, a miserable, pathetic, damp creature, and   
wondered what next could go wrong.  
She stepped on an errant bar of soap, and spent the next half an   
hour lying on her back, seeing stars.  
  
  
The carriage passed through some of the finest real estate Crystal   
Tokyo had to offer. As they moved further and further into the city,   
the buildings became more intricate, more elaborate, and more   
individual. Whatever this crystalline substance was that the buildings   
were made of, it had certainly given the architects more than a free   
hand.  
  
They flew through stations lined with people who didn't bat an   
eyelid that the carriage did not stop for them. This was one heck of an   
express route, Jyoserin thought.  
  
Eventually, the carriage entered an underground section, and began   
to slow. Jyoserin stared at Ayanami, who appeared unconcerned. The   
carriage pulled up at a station, a rather officious looking one at that.   
There were senshi galore, lined up in military fashion, standing   
alongside the platform. Behind them, Jyoserin could see an office. As   
the carriage came to a stop, the door slid open, and there was silence.   
Total silence. The senshi didn't move, didn't bat an eyelid. Neither   
did Ayanami. In her case, Jyoserin could forgive.  
"What's happening?" Jyoserin had become impatient.  
"Shh." Rei cut her to the quick. "This is where we must meet   
with the Grand Marshal of the Palace Guard." Jyoserin stared at her   
blankly.  
"The what?"  
"Shh... Here she comes."  
  
True to her word, the senshi lining the platform parted like the   
waters of the red sea, and Jyoserin felt her throat constrict. Here was   
trouble coming.  
  
From the office came the Grand Marshal of the Palace Guard, decked   
out in full senshi regalia, only more elaborate and ornate.  
  
Osaka Naru.  
  
Yes, Jyoserin thought to herself, you have great taste in who you   
possess.  
------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Is Jyoserin in for it now? Is Makoto a psychotic serial killer?   
Is Usagi a raving cannibal? Will Rei and CereCere stop Minako and   
ParaPara from doing anything likely to level a small city? Will Ami   
ever succeed in killing herself? Will Ronaldite break into Crystal   
Tokyo?  
  
Yes. Yes. Yes. No. No. Yes. In that order. You'll just have   
to read how in the next exciting (hyperbole) chapter of Sailor Python's  
Flying Dead Moon Circus. Where the buffalo roam, and the bodycount   
rises.  
  
  
PREVIEW OF CHAPTER 3  
  
Jyoserin found herself being bundled into the Court Chamber.   
Sitting atop the judge's dais was Mars. Older, more grizzled.... She'd   
aged a lot faster than Jyoserin had expected her to, considering most of   
the senshi were supposed to have their aging processes brought back to   
near zero. Whatever it was that had happened to Mars during her life,   
it was extremely crappy.  
  
"So, you are the one they call Jyoserin Tepukataya?" There was a   
lot of spit emanating from Mars's mouth as she said that. Jyoserin and   
her two guards did their best to avoid it.  
"Umm, yeah, you could say that."  
"And you admit to, wilfully, and with malice aforethought,   
possessing the body of the young Osaka Naru, for purposes criminal?"  
"No."  
"Oh. Alright then. You're free to go."  
  
Jyoserin and her two guards stared at Mars with their mouths on   
the floor. It seemed that they had learnt a lesson or two from her in   
their short time together, Jyoserin thought.  
  
After several moments of readjusting their jaws, another old   
senshi entered the Court Chamber. "May I approach the bench?" Said   
Venus, standing regally in her orange and gold cloak. She hadn't aged   
that much better than Mars, Jyoserin thought,  
  
Mars nodded her agreement and Venus stepped up towards the dais.   
She then addressed Mars formally. "I have been chosen by the good Queen   
Serenity to act as the Prosecutor in this case,"  
"Well you're too bloody late. I've already let her off." Mars   
poked her tongue out at Venus. Venus fumed.  
"Ya can't do that without there being a proper bloody trial,   
dickhead."  
"Yes I can, this is MY court."  
"May I remind you of Rule 233, subsection C of the Holy Lawbook of   
Crystal Tokyo?" Venus sneered smugly at Mars. Mars huffed.  
"Alright, alright. Have it ya own way then. Spoilsport."  
  
Venus spun extravigantly and waved a hand in Jyoserin's direction.  
"According to the testimony of Agent AR107, Codename Ayanami Rei,   
you possessed the body of Osaka Naru with the intention of corrupting   
the timelines in the hope of preventing the existence of Crystal Tokyo.   
Is this not true?"  
"Yes."  
"And in the process of your actions, you threatened the said   
officer with... ahem... 'non-existence'... if she did not comply with   
your stated desire to be brought to Crystal Tokyo to meet with the Small   
Lady Serenity?"  
"No."  
"No?"  
"No, that came after. I only threatened her with non-existence   
when she wouldn't tell me who she was and what she was doing in Tokyo   
during the last decade of the 20th century. She was an anachronism, you   
see."  
"She's got you there, Venus." Mars chuckled.  
"Oh shutup." Venus hit back. She continued. "But, you admit to   
threatening her with non-existence..."  
"Oh that, yes, of course I do."  
"Ah, that makes things easier, then."  
"Can I go now?" Jyoserin stared at Venus for a second. Venus   
cleared her throat and wagged a finger.  
"Now now, don't be impatient. We've got quite a few questions to   
ask you yet. Like, what is a GURP? What is your real name? What is   
your intention in trying to stop the existence of Crystal Tokyo?"  
"Jeez, I wasn't expecting the Spanish Inquisition."  
  
"AHA, NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!" Jyoserin, Venus,   
Mars and the two guards turned as three figures bounded into the   
courtroom, all dressed in religious garb. The first was a bishounen   
type with hair of a dark greenish tinge and the mark of the oni on his   
forehead. The second was a light-blue haired man, wearing a smiley mask   
and a pilot's cap with goggles on his forehead. The third was a   
redheaded firebrand with fangs that stuck well out of his mouth,   
carrying a metallic fan.  
"Aha!" Said the leader. "Surprised you, eh? Yes indeed, our   
weapons are surprise, fear... and.... um... Oh bugger, I forgot."  
"Why don't we try that again no daa?" Said the smiley one.  
"Can I use the fan this time. I wanna really burn something."   
Said the fanged one. The leader sighed.  
"Alright, alright, lets try again." And with that, they exited   
the Court Chamber....  
  
  
Next time on  
  
Sailor Python's FLYING DEAD MOON CIRCUS  
  
  
  
If you've bothered to read this far, you're a sick individual.  
  
^_^  
  
Please mail all responses, comments, criticisms and abuse to   
ayanami@internode.on.net  
  
DDFA 


	3. The bit that continues the bits

W A R N I N G  
  
  
THIS IS AN ANIME FANFIC, AND MAY CAUSE THE FOLLOWING CONDITIONS....  
  
  
* INCIPIENT EPILEPSY (ALSO KNOWN AS POKEMON SYNDROME)  
  
* SPONTANEOUS COPULATORY PRACTICES  
  
* SPONTANEOUS HUMAN COMBUSTION  
  
* RITUAL BEHEADING  
  
* CULT EXTREMISM  
  
* A LOWERING IN THE VALUE OF THE DOLLAR  
  
* EARTHQUAKES IN INDONESIA  
  
* AN OUTBREAK OF EBOLA  
  
* CORPORATE FRAUD  
  
* NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST  
  
* RERUNS OF BIG BROTHER  
  
* S CLUB 7 (EEWWWWW)  
  
* SUBSIDENCE OWING TO PLAGUES OF MICE  
  
* POLITICAL JOKES (THEY GET ELECTED)  
  
* FURTHER CHAPTERS OF "WAITING FOR MINAKO"  
  
* FERRARI FORMULA ONE TEAM ORDERS (SEE CORPORATE FRAUD)  
  
  
  
This warning was brought to you by the International Association of  
Journalists in the interests of perpetuating rampant bullshit to  
justify its existence.  
  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
  
Sailor Python's  
FLYING DEAD MOON CIRCUS  
by DARK DAY FOR ANIME (Mark A Page)  
  
Disclaimer - Sailormoon is owned by a manga artist, who lives in  
Japan and goes by the name of Takeuchi Naoko. Isn't that nice ^_^.  
There is, also, a collection of corporate goons who have a stake  
in the existence of this title.  
  
I sincerely hope these people don't sue me for this. They may find  
their efforts to be financially unrewarding, as I am nothing more  
than a poor little Aussie manic-depressive with nothing better to do  
than to wreck other peoples' ideas.  
  
But at least I don't want Naoko to admit that I write a better   
Sailormoon story than she can. ^_^  
  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
  
YES!! WITH THE HOPE OF MAKING THIS FANFIC INTERACTIVE, I'M  
INVITING ALL READERS TO "S P O T T H E L O O N Y".  
  
SCATTERED THROUGHOUT THIS FANFIC ARE VARIOUS NORMAL PEOPLE, AND  
ONE TOTAL AND UTTER LOONY. ALL YOU, THE READER, HAVE TO DO IS  
"S P O T T H E L O O N Y"  
  
PLEASE MAIL ALL ANSWERS TO....  
  
ayanami@internode.on.net  
  
THE WINNERS WILL BE ANNOUNCED IN PART 4. YOU DON'T GET A PRIZE,  
BUT AT LEAST YOU CAN SAY YOU'VE ENDURED THIS FANFIC THUS FAR.  
  
^_^  
  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
  
What Has Gone Before  
  
After persuading Ayanami to take her to meet the Small Lady in the  
hope of gaining information, Jyoserin has endured the tender  
ministrations of the Guardian of Time and found herself in Crystal  
Tokyo. But before she can get into the Main Palace, she comes face  
to face with the Captain of the Guard, Osaka Naru, the girl whose  
body Jyoserin possessed in the first place to do her task.  
  
Meanwhile, the effects of the reality breach are getting worse back  
in current-day Tokyo. Rei and CereCere are pursuing Minako and  
PallaPalla in the hope the deluded pair don't do anything likely to  
cause major destruction, Ami is persistently failing to kill  
herself, Makoto has lost control of her violent impulses and has  
become a dangerously deranged serial killer and worst of all, Usagi  
has killed her family and made them into dinner. Now Mamoru is in  
danger.... His only hope of rescue from his cannibal girlfriend -   
Makoto, who wants to kill him because he reminds her of her long  
lost senpai. Things are looking grim all around.  
  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
  
PLEASE GIVE TO THE "SAVE JEDITE" FUND FOR EX-SAILORMOON VILLAINS,  
AND HELP THOSE UNFORTUNATES WHO HAVE APPEARED IN FEWER THAN 20   
EPISODES.  
  
Hotaru ^_^;;  
"Ano... Did I make it to 20?"  
  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
  
SAILOR DDFA SAYS:  
  
If you drink and drive, you're a bloody idiot.  
  
But if you drink, drive and make it home alive, you're a bloody  
legend.  
  
(This message was brought to you by the foundation for complete  
social irresponsibility)  
  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
  
And now we return to our normally-scheduled program. In which we   
shall present a man with three buttocks....  
  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
  
PLUTO EMERGES, IN ROYAL GUISE.  
  
"We apologise for the late starting of chapter 3 of this   
fanfic. We were hoping Queen Elizabeth would attend the ceremony,  
but she was apparently run over by a leather omnibus this morning  
and declined the offer. So it is up to me to perform the ceremony."  
  
PLUTO SITS BEHIND STEERING WHEEL OF CHAPTER 3, HOLDING KEYS.  
  
"My husband and I have great pleasure in bringing you chapter  
3 of Sailor Python's Flying Dead Moon Circus."  
  
SHE TURNS THE KEYS. THE CHAPTER MAKES CHUGGING NOISES, THEN  
STOPS. SHE LOOKS AT THE CHAPTER IN SURPRISE, THEN LEANS FORWARD   
WITH DETERMINATION.  
  
"My husband and I have great pleasure in bringing you chapter  
3 of Sailor Python's Flying Dead Moon Circus."  
  
SHE TURNS THE KEYS AGAIN, WITH THE SAME RESULT.  
  
"My husband and I are having great difficulty in bringing you  
chapter 3 of Sailor Python's Flying Dead Moon Circus..."  
  
SHE TRIES ONE LAST TIME, BUT THE CHAPTER JUST GRINDS TO A   
HALT. SHE GETS OUT AND KICKS IT.  
  
"Alright! I warned you! I've told you time and time again!  
Well, don't say I didn't so! I'm gonna give you a damned good   
thrashing!"   
  
PLUTO LOOKS AROUND FOR SOMETHING TO HIT THE CHAPTER WITH. SHE  
SPIES SOMETHING AND BOUNDS AWAY, RETURNING WITH A LARGE TREE BRANCH  
WHICH SHE PROCEEDS TO WHAP AGAINST THE FRONT AND SIDE OF THE   
CHAPTER. BEHIND HER, AN ENGLISH POLICE BOBBY MAKES AN APPEARANCE.  
  
"Ello ello ello. What appears to be going on 'ere then?"  
  
PLUTO TURNS TO HIM, LOOKING SHEEPISH, TRYING TO HIDE THE   
BRANCH.  
  
"Ah, officer. I appear to be having trouble starting this  
chapter."  
  
"Looks more to me like you were tryin' to give it an 'iding,  
love. I must say, that's no way to treat a Sailormoon fanfic."  
  
"It is if its this cantankerous beast. Been months since the  
last chapter came out."  
  
"Ah, I see. That'd be because of dat damned Usagi is Dead fic  
the writer is workin' on. He does get so obsessed about that,   
sometimes."  
  
"Hmm... But it doesn't solve the problem with this fic."  
  
"Oh well, lemme see under the bonnet, then."  
  
PLUTO RAISES THE BONNET AND THE BOBBY TAKES A GOOD LOOK   
INSIDE. HE NODS AND STANDS UP.  
  
"Well then. It seems to have all the makings of a proper   
idea. But I must say, the execution of that idea has been somewhat  
tardy. All the same, all the componentry is in the right place. I  
wonder what the fuel situation is like."  
  
THE BOBBY OPENS UP THE FUEL CAP AND PEERS INSIDE. HE BACKS   
AWAY AS A GHOSTLY FIGURE EMERGES.  
  
"Jeez, it's about time too."  
  
BOTH PLUTO AND THE BOBBY STARE AS ANNO HIDEAKI STEPS OUT OF   
THE FUEL TANK AND STARES AROUND.  
  
"Bloody hell.... I know I left that Prozac around here,   
somewhere. Here Prozzie Prozzie.... Here boy...."  
  
HE STOMPS OFF IN SEARCH OF A GOOD "USAGI IS DEAD" CHAPTER   
(THERE MUST BE ONE, SOMEWHERE). THE BOBBY TURNS TO PLUTO.  
  
"Well, it would seem we have found your problem. Too much  
existentialist angst in your fuel tank."  
  
  
^_^-----^_^-----^_^-----^_^-----^_^-----^_^-----^_^-----^_^-----^_^  
  
Sailor Python  
  
Chapter 3  
  
"Spot The Loony"  
  
or  
  
"Where the Buffalo Roam and the Bodycount Rises"  
  
^_^-----^_^-----^_^-----^_^-----^_^-----^_^-----^_^-----^_^-----^_^  
  
  
Osaka Naru sat at her desk in the small office she would often  
describe as her own, mostly as this was true. If there was anything  
she had learnt on her ascent to the position of Grand Marshal of the   
Guard within Crystal Tokyo, it was the power of bribery and   
corruption.  
  
"Singis, where is my daily perversion?" She stared at her   
manservant, an ugly little troll who seemed to spend most of his   
time tormenting small animals in the corner of the room, much to   
Naru's great amusement.  
  
After stuffing a traumatised quokka into a wooden box, he   
turned to her and bowed in great deference. "I am very very sorry,   
Madame, but it hasn't cooled down in the fridge long enough."  
  
"Look, I don't have all day to wait for it. Get it out and  
I'll try it on." She stood impatiently, the long robes of her   
position sweeping the floor as she stepped around the desk, thus  
ceasing the requirement of a cleaner.  
  
  
There was a knock at the door to her office, and she growled  
with frustration. "Can't I get a moment to indulge in my hobbies?  
Who is it now?" She stamped over to the door and opened it, to be  
confronted with a hideously ugly monster named Umino Gurio. Naru   
jumped about three feet at the sight of him.  
  
"Hello, my dawling." He drooled.  
  
"U... Umino-chan...." Naru smiled, nervously. "How can I  
help you?"  
  
"I looove you my dawling."  
  
"Steady. Down boy." Naru winced as he leered forward.  
  
"Here, have these. I grew them myself."  
  
"A handful of hair...." Naru took the greasy strands   
reluctantly. She turned aside. "Singis, put these in a jar of hair   
oil...."  
  
  
As her manservant took the hair away with disgust, Naru waved  
Umino in. "Please, Umino-chan, take a seat."  
  
"Thanks, Naru-chan." He grabbed a seat and ran like heck.   
Naru cursed. She had to stop using lines like that. She lost more  
furniture that way.... She stepped over to a small sink set in the  
side of the office and sterilised the hand that took Umino's hair.  
  
  
The phone rang on her desk and she answered it. "Listen, you  
stupid phone, will you JUST stop calling me?"  
  
"Sorry." It said. She hung up.  
  
  
"Dammit, I need that perversion and I need it now! I'm   
getting really stressed out, here."  
  
  
"Umm, excuse me, Miss Grand Marshal of the Guard Osaka Naru   
your name is...." Naru spun to the newcomer, a senshi private of   
her personal guard, who was standing in the doorway.  
  
"What do you want, Private Parts?"  
  
Parts stepped into the office. "Umm, we've had reports that   
there is a dangerous person approaching the palace station on the   
railcar system. She apparently has one of our agents trapped aboard   
the car. On top of that, she has violently assaulted the Guardian   
of the Time Gate."  
  
  
"Whoo, you sound like a plot device."  
  
"Thanks ma'am, I try."  
  
"So who is this violent criminal?"  
  
  
"We do not know that, ma'am, but she has many great and   
mysterious powers that may threaten the stability of the Kingdom."  
  
"What? She prefers butter to margarine?"  
  
"It is a distinct possibility."  
  
  
Naru paced around her office. "Damn that fiend. It'll be the  
end of civilisation as we know it." They both jumped when they  
heard an explosion outside the office.  
  
  
"Wh... What was THAT?" Parts stared at the smoking set of   
feet standing some distance from the doorway to the office.  
  
"HOT DAMN! The anti-Mormon device is working after all."   
Naru cleared her throat for a moment. "Ahem, its nothing, Private.  
Ignore it."  
  
  
"Umm.. So, what should we do?" Parts looked at her.  
  
"Hmm?"  
  
"What should we do?"  
  
"About what?"  
  
"The criminal."  
  
"What criminal?"  
  
"The criminal that is on the railcar, heading towards the   
palace with one of our agents as hostage."  
  
"Oh, that criminal. Well, we have control of the railcar  
system. Stop the vehicle when it reaches the Guard Post station.  
We'll deal wiv da blighter when she gets here."  
  
  
Suddenly, the wall to the office crumbled away, and a   
Sailorsenshi in a white, purple and black fuku, carrying a large  
can opener, came charging in, a psychotic gleam in her eyes.  
  
  
"OH MY GOD! SATURN'S ON THE LOOSE AGAIN!" Private Parts  
cowered in fear. Naru, however, remained calm.  
  
  
"DINSDALE!" Saturn stared at Naru, who leveled her gaze.  
  
"Saturn! How many times have you been told. Dinsdale is  
back in your padded cell."  
  
  
Saturn held the can opener towards Naru threateningly.   
"DINSSSSSSDALE." She hissed.  
  
"Return at once, Saturn. Your quarry awaits you there."  
  
  
Saturn squinted her eyes, then turned back to the hole in  
the wall. "DINSDALE!" She jumped through.  
  
  
"Kami-sama! Ma'am, you dealt with that well." Parts looked   
at Naru for a few moments. Naru shook her head sadly.  
  
  
"Yes, well... One has to expect this kind of thing with   
Saturn. How would you feel if you discovered your mother was also  
your sister."  
  
  
  
  
IMAGE - PLUTO HOLDING A PITCHFORK, DRESSED LIKE A COUNTRY HICK,   
CHEWING ON A PIECE OF STRAW. SOUNDS OF BANJO MUSIC IN THE   
BACKGROUND.  
  
Pluto: we don't like no strangers 'round here.  
  
  
  
  
Private Parts shuddered. "Yes ma'am.... It does bring up all  
kinds of strange images.  
  
"Better be careful with what strange images you come up with,  
there, Private... things could get nasty otherwise."  
  
  
  
  
IMAGE - NEPTUNE, LYING IN A BATH OF CUSTARD, RECITING HAMLET.  
  
  
  
  
"Yes, I see what you mean." Private Parts nodded.  
  
"Oh, and get a name change.... You're the laughing stock of   
the military...." Naru dismissed Private Parts and turned back to  
Singis, whose hands needed surgical replacement after touching   
Umino's oil-dripping hair. "Now, where is that perversion? I need  
it NOW!"  
  
  
----o  
  
  
The carriage passed through some of the finest real estate   
Crystal Tokyo had to offer. As they moved further and further into  
the city, the buildings became more intricate, more elaborate, and   
more individual. Whatever this crystalline substance was that the   
buildings were made of, it had certainly given the architects more   
than a free hand. Varying shapes and styles of 1950's American   
utopian futurist gothic buildings, resplendent with vehicles of all  
descriptions in the same, neon-splattered and round-edged styles.   
It was all so perfect, and occasionally imposing and sinister, that  
Jyoserin felt a little swamped by it all, not to mention a little  
nauseous.  
  
They flew through stations lined with people, none of whom   
batted an eyelid at a carriage that did not stop for them. Either   
this was one heck of an express route, or the local populace had   
been subjugated enough to simply expect this kind of treatment from  
their 'betters'.  
  
Eventually, the carriage entered an underground section, and   
began to slow. Jyoserin stared at Ayanami, who appeared   
unconcerned. The carriage pulled up at a station, a rather   
officious looking one at that. There were senshi galore, lined up  
in military fashion, standing alongside the platform. Behind them,  
Jyoserin could see an office. As the carriage came to a stop, the   
door slid open, and there was silence. Total silence. The senshi   
didn't move, didn't bat an eyelid. Neither did Ayanami. Jyoserin   
sniffed and wondered if the disease was catching, as she shifted   
uncomfortably. She didn't like inexplicable events such as this.   
They gave her hives.  
  
"What's happening?" Jyoserin leaned forward, waving a hand in   
front of Ayanami's blank eyes in an effort to rouse her from her   
silent state. The girl turned to her, unemotionally.  
  
"Shh." She cut Jyoserin to the quick. "This is where we must   
meet with the Grand Marshal of the Palace Guard." Jyoserin stared   
at her.  
  
"The WHAT!?!?!" She stood, clenching her fists at both sides.  
"You never said anything about this. What the hell is going on,   
here?"  
  
"Shh... Here she comes." Ayanami stood to attention, staring  
out through the windows. Jyoserin followed her gaze.  
  
  
True to her word, the senshi lining the platform parted like   
the waters of the red sea, and Jyoserin felt her throat constrict.   
Here was trouble coming.  
  
From the office emerged Osaka Naru, dressed in the full   
ceremonial robes of her position. She stared through the windows at  
the pair of them, mostly in disbelief in Jyoserin's case. Any   
senshi that was vaguely in her way was bowled over by her as she  
made her way up to and through the door. In seconds, Jyoserin found  
herself leaning back at a painful angle, face to face with the same   
face  
  
"And just who the hell do you think YOU are, eh?" Naru   
growled in a tone that demanded an immediate, and rather full,   
explanation of her very existence within the confines of this   
universe, and several of the next, something Jyoserin found she had   
trouble answering. Things didn't get any better when Ayanami   
decided to add her little piece.  
  
"Officer Ayanami Rei of the Royal Secret Service, ma'am."   
Naru turned and stared into Ayanami's eyes with the same level of   
vicious contempt she had shown Jyoserin. The blue-haired girl   
sweatdropped as she continued under the atomic gaze. "This   
person... is a being of great power... who has possessed your   
younger body in an attempt... to destroy Crystal Tokyo."  
  
Jyoserin turned to her in disbelief. "What did you SAY?"  
  
"Aha!" Naru smiled, standing up and crossing her arms. "So,   
you thought you could destroy this place of perfection with your   
evil presence, did you? In MY body, no less. You thought you   
would be able to get away with all kinds of atrocities as long as   
you did them in MY image."  
  
"NO!" Jyoserin looked from Naru to Ayanami, angrily. "I   
mean..."  
  
"Don't try and explain to me your actions. It is our duty as  
soldiers of Crystal Tokyo to defend the city against the likes of   
you."  
  
"But I haven't done anything."  
  
"You haven't done anything? What about Sailorpluto, eh?   
They're still scraping her out from underneath that giant weight  
you dropped on top of her."  
  
Jyoserin shifted on her feet. "Oh, that. Sorry."  
  
"Sorry? Sorry? Do you know how much it will cost to put her  
back together again? And all you've got to say is 'sorry'?"  
  
"At least we can make fun of her whilst she is recuperating.  
Ask her why she didn't see it coming and all that...." Ayanami was  
quickly put in her place by a look from Naru.  
  
"Guards!" Naru growled. Several of the Palace Guard entered  
the railcar, weapons at the ready. "Take her to the cells. We   
shall report this to her highness, the Queen serenity, straight   
away."  
  
Jyoserin turned to Ayanami and clenched her teeth. "Turncoat.  
You were just waiting your opportunity, weren't you?"  
  
Ayanami stared at her. Something that went on for about   
twenty minutes as everyone became mesmerised by her red eyes.   
Jyoserin shook her head, breaking the spell of the master hypnotist.  
  
"Very well, if that is how it is going to be, I shall take you  
all on." Jyoserin snapped her fingers, and great rushes of air  
surrounded her. Naru and the Palace Guards stood back in surprise   
as crackles of energy emerged from her fingers.  
  
Something that was stopped in its tracks when Ayanami bopped   
her one over the head with a mallet.  
  
As Jyoserin sank to the floor, Ayanami smiled sweetly.   
"Always wanted to do that. Life can be so dull when you're trapped  
in a series devoid of mallets...." She stretched. "Ah, it's so   
cathartic, I tell you."  
  
"Thankyou, officer Ayanami." Naru smiled. Ayanami placed the  
mallet back in its pocket dimension and saluted.  
  
"Excuse me, ma'am, I must report these developments to my   
superior."  
  
Naru gestured to the doorway. "Then do so with much   
expedition." She turned to her officers. "Men.... I mean   
women.... I mean... Soldiers, take the prisoner to the holding   
cells, immediately! I have a perversion to return to!"  
  
As Naru returned to her office, Jyoserin was dragged away by a   
pair of senshi as the others started to hum "La Soldier".  
  
  
----o  
  
  
"Shouldn't we call the police?" Usagi looked up at Mamoru,   
wondering how he would turn out if done medium-rare. Mamoru had   
been pacing the kitchen as Usagi put away the dinner she had made   
for the pair of them.  
  
"That might be a problem, Usako. For you."  
  
"For me?" Usagi blinked.  
  
"The only person who we know was IN the house.... Is you."  
  
"But I was washing the flour out of my...."  
  
"Yes yes yes.... I believe you when you say that.... But the  
police won't see it that way...." Mamoru stared at her, crossing   
his arms.  
  
"So... What are you saying? We don't call the police? Mamo-  
chan, someone has just murdered my family!" And they were   
delicious, she thought. Says something for good breeding.  
  
"No! I'm not saying that! Dammit, Usagi, I need to think."  
He shook his head. "But I'm telling you, they'll suspect you, first  
of all."  
  
Usagi sighed, sitting down at the kitchen table, placing her   
hands over her face. "Oh Kami! What am I going to do? Mama and   
Papa.... And Shingo, too.... What am I going to do...."  
  
Mamoru decided Usagi was on the verge of tears, and stepped  
over to comfort her.  
  
The front door exploded, and they jumped clean across the   
room. "What the hell was THAT?" Usagi said, wide-eyed.  
  
"CHIIIIIIIIBA MAMORUUUUUUUUU!"  
  
"Umm..." Mamoru clenched Usagi's shoulder. "I think Makoto  
has just arrived."  
  
"Oh.... She sounds upset." Usagi scratched her head. "Maybe  
she found out I ate her family."  
  
"What did you say?" Mamoru stared at Usagi, incredulously.   
Usagi did a double-take.  
  
"Oh, sorry, I mean.... I don't know what I mean. Oh no, my  
family are all dead. Boohoohoo...." Usagi threw her face into her   
hands. Mamoru was torn between comforting her and 'welcoming'   
Makoto.  
  
"CHIIIIIIIIBA MAMORUUUUUUUUU! YOU BASTAAAAAAAARD! STOP   
LOOKING LIKE MY LONG LOST SEMPAI! I DEMAND IT. IF YOU DON'T, I'M  
GONNA HAFTA SPREAD YOU LIKE A FINE PASTE ACROSS THE WALLS OF THIS  
HOUSE! Oh my Kami! Usagi, your family.... Oh Kami!"  
  
"I think she's walked past the laundry...." Mamoru shook his  
head and turned to Usagi, who had suddenly gone from her hysterics   
to testing the blade of a large kitchen knife near the sink.  
"Usagi.... What are you doing with that?"  
  
"Oh.... I just thought it might be handy.... Mako-chan   
sounds kinda pissed off."  
  
  
"Oh, there you are." Makoto entered the kitchen. "Oh Kami,  
that's so horrible. Usagi, you poor BITCH! HOW DARE YOU HAVE A  
FUCKING BOYFRIEND AND FLAUNT HIM IN FRONT OF US! AND HE LOOKS LIKE  
MY LONG LOST SEMPAI! WHY I OUGHTA comfort you in this time of   
grief. Have you called the police yet? COS IF YOU HAVEN'T, I'LL  
SMASH YOUR FUCKIN' HEADS IN!"  
  
Mamoru put his hands up, noticing that Makoto was sweating   
profusely, her face changing its expression along with her voice.  
  
"Th... That's alright, Makoto.... We... uh... we were just  
discussing how to handle this."  
  
"Discussing? What is there to discuss? Usagi's family has  
just been murdered THE LITTLE SHITHEADS. NEVER LIKED THEM, ANYWAY.  
WOULD HAVE DONE IT MYSELF HAD IT NOT BEEN for that horrible person  
who committed this atrocious act BEFORE ME. Oh Usagi-chan...."   
Makoto stepped forward, reaching out for Usagi, who was sizing up   
Makoto's overwhelming chest measurements for breast fillets.   
"WHOA!" Makoto remarked as she held Usagi's shoulders at arm's   
length. "THAT'S ONE COOL KNIFE YOU HAVE THERE."  
  
"Thanks, I have a set of them." Usagi smiled. "Would you   
like to see them?"  
  
"See them?" Makoto frowned. "Usagi, your family have been  
murdered. OF COURSE I WANT TO SEE THEM, BITCH!" Makoto pushed   
Usagi back and grabbed the knife from her hand. She stared into the  
blade as light glimmered from its clean, metallic surface. "WHOO.  
THIS IS SOOOO PRETTY. ALL THE BETTER TO KILL WITH."  
  
"Yes. It fillets bodies very well." Usagi turned and opened  
a kitchen drawer, taking out a selection of similar knives. Mamoru  
looked from one to the next, jaw hanging open.  
  
"What the hell.... What is wrong with you two?" He stepped  
alongside Usagi, taking her arm. "Usako... You're acting strange.  
What has happened to you?"  
  
"I'm acting strange?" Usagi blinked at him, then looked down  
at the knives in her hand. With a cry, she dropped them, throwing   
her hands to her face. "What... What am I DOING?"  
  
"YOU BASTARD!" Makoto pushed Mamoru back against the wall,   
holding the knife she had taken from Usagi against his throat. "YOU  
MADE HER DROP ALL THOSE NICE, SHINY KILLING IMPLEMENTS and made her   
all upset in her time of grief. How could you, you KNIFE CUSHION!   
PREPARE TO DIE FOR YOUR CRIMES!"  
  
Mamoru swallowed. "I'm sorry.... I won't do it again."  
  
"What am I doing?" Usagi whimpered. "I should be preparing  
Makoto for dinner." Makoto turned to Usagi.  
  
"What? What did you say?" With Makoto distracted, Mamoru   
managed to push her away and brush between the pair of insane young  
women, heading towards the kitchen door. Usagi and Makoto watched   
him as he turned to face them.  
  
"The both of you are sick.... I'm calling the police. With   
any luck, you'll get the help you need."  
  
"The police." Usagi clapped her hands together, smiling. "Oh  
goodie. More people for dinner."  
  
"Usako..." Mamoru swallowed, then turned and ran from the   
kitchen. The two girls listened as his footsteps disappeared, then  
looked at each other.  
  
"What's wrong with him?" Makoto thumbed in his direction,   
something clicking inside her brain. Usagi shrugged.  
  
"I don't know. He gets so emotional, sometimes."  
  
  
----o  
  
  
In the streets of Tokyo, in the late 20th century, chaos was  
about to ensue.  
  
Along the busy street, two young girls were wandering, side by  
side, their eyes darting around in wonderment at their surroundings.  
Sometimes, big nasty things called cars would pass by, so they had   
to call their eyes back, but apart from that, it was like they were  
seeing the world for the first time.  
  
"Gee." Minako pondered as they came to a dead stop. "The   
rice porridge is wonderful this time of the year."  
  
"Pallapalla likes rice porridge. It tastes better than the  
crap JunJun cooks." The blue haired girl started to twirl and dance  
on the street corner where they had paused, bowling over a couple of  
pedestrians. Minako looked at the figures, rolling over the   
pavement in pain, and giggled.  
  
"It hurts to be a horse."  
  
"Pallapalla don't like horses. They too big and need lots of  
food. Not good on budget." Pallapalla came to a dead stop, placing  
a finger to her lips. "Pallapalla not understand what budgets are  
about, anyway. Pallapalla thinks budgets are no fun."  
  
"May the light shine forever on the moneys of the world."   
Minako held her arms to the sky. By this stage, the pair had just   
about gained a small audience. Minako suddenly jumped and pointed   
at them all. "Yet the people of this place wonder whether money is  
all it is cracked up to be."  
  
"Pallapalla likes an audience. Lots of people to play with.   
Say ahh." And with that, several cueballs appeared around the blue-  
haired girl, and with a twirl of her fingers, so did a pool cue. In  
seconds, she had the crowd either running for their lives, or on the  
ground after being brained by a flying poolball. Minako laughed as  
she pointed out new targets for Palla.  
  
"Pallapalla like this game." The girl giggled, sending off  
another volley.  
  
  
----o  
  
  
"Ataaa...." Ceres winced as she watched the crowd being mowed  
down by her compatriot. "I knew something like this would happen.  
  
"Then wipe that smile off your face." Mars clipped her one   
over the back of the head as she leaned against the roof railing of   
the building. Ceres huffed, putting a hand to her head.  
  
"Oi! Be careful! Do you know how much effort it takes to get  
one's hair in this style?"  
  
"No, and I couldn't much care, either." Mars sighed. "What  
are we going to do? Fight them?"  
  
"What? Fight Pallapalla in one of THOSE moods? Get a life."  
  
"Got one."  
  
"Well, fine, then. But don't blame me if she kills someone.  
Which is looking ever more likely." Ceres leaned over to Mars.   
"With the help of YOUR friend."  
  
"MY friend, as it so happen, is not in her right mind at the  
moment." Mars simmered.  
  
"Oh, and what mind is she in, then?" Ceres cracked her   
knuckles. "Anyway, if you aren't going to do something about it, I  
will." And with that, Ceres leapt from the top of the building.   
Mars put out a hand, as if about to tell her to stop, then placed   
the hand over her face, shaking her head.  
  
"I should NOT have gotten out of bed this morning. I should   
have kept on dreaming about shagging Mamoru.... Honestly...."  
  
  
----o  
  
  
"An enemy, using the body of the Captain of the Guard?" Queen  
Serenity leaned back in her seat, staring along the table at which   
she was eating with two of her advisors. Both of the advisors   
stared at Ayanami as she nodded.  
  
"Yes, your majesty. But I believe there to be more to this   
than meets the eye." Ayanami strolled to the other side of   
Serenity's chair and lowered herself to the Queen's ear for effect.  
"This may be an organised attack upon our history. There have been  
many dark waves in the interdimensional fabric of the late 20th   
century."  
  
"Whatever that means." Serenity blinked. "It certainly   
sounds painful."  
  
"That's not the half of it." Ayanami threw her arms in the   
air, swatting one of the advisors in the face. "All these waves are  
doing a mischief on my complexion. I mean, you try and live in the  
late 20th century with skin as pale as mine. I keep breaking out in  
blisters and all sorts."  
  
"Well, it wouldn't happen if you didn't spend all day standing  
in the sun, staring into space, now would it?" Serenity waved at   
her. Ayanami hit a fist into the palm of her other hand.  
  
"So that's where I've been going wrong. And I thought it was  
just the air. There is so much pollution back into old Tokyo."  
  
"Just like a chocolate milkshake, only crunchy." Serenity   
smiled, then held up a small tube. "Here, take this."  
  
Ayanami did, and opened the cap, smelling the contents. "What  
is it? It smells awful."  
  
"SPF 30+ sunscreen, made especially for girls with light blue  
hair, as tested by PallaPalla."  
  
  
  
  
IMAGE - PALLAPALLA SITTING NAKED IN THE MIDDLE OF A WHITE ROOM,   
COMPLETELY SMOTHERED IN THE SUNSCREEN. SHE DOES NOT LOOK HAPPY.  
  
PallaPalla: PallaPalla hate smelly sunscreens! PallaPalla want to  
commit genocide with extreme prejudice for this!  
  
  
  
  
Ayanami raised an eyebrow. "This will really cramp down on my  
social life." She paused. "Not that I have much of a social life,   
but this shall certainly not improve things."  
  
"Suffer, pleb." Serenity snorted, then managed to recompose  
her dignified air. "Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to put it that way.   
Maybe. Now, about these horrible, naughty waves of energy...."  
  
"Hmm?" Ayanami stared at her as she replaced the tube's cap.  
  
"You know, these dark waves of energy that threaten the fabric  
of the universe, or something of that nature." Serenity screwed up  
her nose. "I never was much good at the technical details." Just   
as one of her advisors was about to say something, she shot him with  
a .38 special, throwing a hand in the air. "Damn, that felt good."  
  
"Your majesty.... You've just killed one of your advisors."  
Ayanami stared at the man's slumped body with boggled eyes.   
Serenity blinked, then put a hand behind her head, giggling.  
  
"Oops, silly me.... I thought it was Nicholas Parsons. Well,  
he can't have had anything important to say. My advisors never do.  
So, about these dark waves of energy...."  
  
"Ah, yes..." Ayanami swallowed. "These waves of energy....   
I've been detecting them for some time. It is just possible that  
our history is being manipulated by forces from another dimension."  
  
"Those big meanies!" Serenity huffed. "And I suppose this  
Ronaldite person has something to do with this?"  
  
Ayanami frowned. "But I haven't mentioned Ronaldite."  
  
"Oops... Getting ahead of myself, there. Tell me about   
Ronaldite." Serenity put away the .38 special and crossed her arms  
in front of her, waiting for Ayanami to start telling her the story.  
Ayanami looked at her, dubiously.  
  
"Well, uh.... He was this weird clown figure.... And he   
attacked both myself and the being that is inhabiting the body of  
Osaka Naru.... I can't really explain much more than that.... He  
could be from a rival faction of these dark forces."  
  
"Sounds rather amusing to me. I'd like to meet this Ronaldite  
person." Serenity turned to her sole surviving advisor. "Can you  
arrange that for me?" The advisor started to mumble something,   
holding his hands in the air, helplessly, before Serenity blew out  
his brains with the .38 special. "Too slow. Damn, I'm in good   
form, today." She turned back to the now very much nervous Ayanami.  
"Whatever the case, I have arranged for this.... enemy of ours....   
to be placed on trial."  
  
"On trial, your majesty? May I ask in whose court?"  
  
"The court of Mars. The case for the prosecution shall be  
handled by Venus." Serenity tossed the .38 special aside, which   
went off, missing an aged-looking Luna by inches, the cat collapsing  
with an apoplexy. "Dammit Luna, why don't you watch what you're   
doing!" Serenity shook her head. "Cats these days.... They're all  
so full of themselves."  
  
Ayanami was lost in thought. "The court of Mars, eh?" She   
rubbed her chin. "Considering some of the sentences handed down by  
her, I'd be surprised if the Captain of the Guard doesn't disappear   
as a time anomaly."  
  
"Anomaly, she would." Serenity nodded, then pointed to her   
meal. "Would you like to join me? The chef has prepared his best   
dish." Ayanami stared down at Serenity's plate. A wriggling,   
jelly-like thing, surrounded by roast potatoes, peas and carrots,   
was trying to slime its way from the plate. Ayanami swallowed and  
shook her head.  
  
"I'm afraid you'll have to excuse me. I have things to   
arrange." She bowed to Serenity and left the room, quickly.   
Serenity watched her go, then turned back to her dead advisors.  
  
"....Ah well. Now where was I? Oh yes. And I said to   
Endymion.... 'Listen, if you DARE wear that green cardigan again,   
it'll be the scrotum clamps again'. Well, as you know, he isn't so   
hot on those...."  
  
  
----o  
  
  
The next thing Jyoserin knew, she was lying in the middle of a   
dark, bare cell. Her head was thumping with pain, and as she sat up  
from the cold, hard cement floor, the world seemed to do a couple of  
cartwheels. "What the fuck...." She muttered as she clutched her   
head, closing her eyes and trying to regain some modicum of   
composure.  
  
"So, you're awake at last." Said the soft voice from one of   
the corners of the cell. Jyoserin opened her eyes, and was just   
able to see a small, dark figure. Unable to ascertain who, or what,  
the figure was, Jyoserin crawled to the opposite corner and turned,  
watching the figure carefully.  
  
"Who... are you? Where am I?" Jyoserin swallowed as the   
figure shifted, uncomfortably.  
  
"Those are... very good questions. It has been so long, now,  
that it is hard for me to remember." The figure's voice trailed   
away, as if lost in some dim, distant memory.  
  
"Is this a prison cell?" Jyoserin looked around, trying to   
find the source of the light. She looked up at the grille in what   
had to have been a door, through which small shafts of light could  
be seen. The figure chuckled after several moments.  
  
"Well, I wouldn't call this home. Even though it has been  
home for me for quite some time." The figure shifted again. "So  
long ago, now, I cannot even remember what it is that I had done, to  
put me in this dark hellhole. Alone." The figure chuckled again.  
"I've had a few visitors in my time, though, like yourself."  
  
"Oh? What happened to them?" Jyoserin turned with annoyance  
as the sound of dripping water rang loudly through the cell. The  
figure also turned to the source of the noise.  
  
"There are pipes, running along the ceiling of the cell. They  
leak whenever they are used. Someone is probably getting the water  
hose treatment in the interrogation block." He seemed to shrug. "I  
hope you never have to suffer the indignities that this place metes   
out to its residents."  
  
Jyoserin swallowed. "Have you?" The figure laughed out loud.  
  
"Oh, my dear.... They would never DREAM of doing such things  
to me. For a start, simply having me out of this cell risks my   
escape. So they leave me in here to rot."  
  
"So, what about the other prisoners you've shared this cell  
with? What happened to them?"  
  
"What about them?"  
  
"As I asked. What happened to them? Did they ever escape, or  
what?" Jyoserin waited as the figure took a long breath, shaking   
his head.  
  
"No, none of them ever escaped. Very few of them would still  
be alive, now. Of that I am sure."  
"How can you be sure?" Jyoserin felt sweat running down her   
forehead. As her vision improved, she could see a pair of squinting  
eyes, looking at her through the darkness, regarding her.  
  
"My dear, once you end up down here, death is certain. Nobody  
gets sent down here unless they are to be sentenced to death." The  
figure turned, looking away. "Except for me. I'm to be the only   
exception to this morbid rule...."  
  
"I'm so sorry..." Jyoserin started to say, but was distracted  
as footsteps approached the cell door.  
  
"Looks like your time has come, my dear." The figure said,   
bleakly, as the door was unlocked and several senshi entered, two  
holding out weapons to keep the dark figure cornered. Another two  
grabbed Jyoserin and bundled her out of the cell, under the   
directions of a commander.  
  
After watching Jyoserin disappear from sight, she turned to   
the corner where the figure was still sitting. "Well... I suppose  
that made for an interesting diversion, did it not, you foul beast."  
  
The figure chuckled mirthlessly. "Somehow I knew she wasn't  
to grace my presence for more than a hour. I've never been that   
lucky."  
  
"Well, we all know why, don't we?" The commander put her   
hands on her hips. "If I'd left her in here for much longer, you'd  
be bounding around the cell, tormenting her and shouting 'PU' at the  
top of your voice. The longer you remain here, out of society's   
way, the better for all."  
  
  
----o  
  
  
Jyoserin found herself being bundled into the Court Chamber,   
only seconds after attempting to use her powers to escape, only to   
find she no longer had any powers. The senshi dragging her along   
had laughed and said something about a 'control field' that was   
keeping her personally in check. She didn't like the sound of that.  
  
  
Sitting atop the judge's dais was Mars. Older, more   
grizzled.... She'd aged a lot faster than Jyoserin had expected her   
to, considering most of the senshi were supposed to have their aging   
processes brought back to near zero. Whatever it was that had   
happened to Mars during her life, it was extremely crappy.  
  
"So, you are the one they call Jyoserin Tepukataya?" There   
was a lot of spit emanating from Mars's mouth as she said that.   
Jyoserin and her two guards did their best to avoid it.  
  
"Umm, yeah, you could say that."  
  
"And you admit to, willfully, and with malice aforethought,   
possessing the body of the young Osaka Naru, for purposes criminal?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Oh. Alright then. You're free to go."  
  
Jyoserin and her two guards stared at Mars with their mouths   
on the floor. It seemed that they had learnt a lesson or two from   
her in their short time together, Jyoserin thought.  
  
  
Another old senshi entered the Court Chamber. "May I approach   
the bench?" Said Venus, standing regally in her orange and gold   
cloak. She hadn't aged that much better than Mars, Jyoserin   
thought.  
  
Mars nodded her agreement and Venus stepped up towards the   
dais. She then addressed Mars formally. "I have been chosen by the   
good Queen Serenity to act as the Prosecutor in this case,"  
  
"Well you're too bloody late. I've already let her off."   
Mars poked her tongue out at Venus. Venus fumed.  
  
"Ya can't do that without there being a proper bloody trial,   
dickhead."  
  
"Yes I can, this is MY court."  
  
"May I remind you of Rule 233, subsection C of the Holy   
Lawbook of Crystal Tokyo?" Venus sneered smugly at Mars. Mars   
huffed.  
  
"Alright, alright. Have it ya own way then. Spoilsport."  
  
  
Venus spun extravagantly and waved a hand in Jyoserin's   
direction."According to the testimony of Agent AR107, Codename   
Ayanami Rei, you possessed the body of Osaka Naru with the intention   
of corrupting the timelines in the hope of preventing the existence   
of Crystal Tokyo. Is this not true?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"And in the process of your actions, you threatened the said   
officer with... ahem... 'non-existence'... if she did not comply   
with your stated desire to be brought to Crystal Tokyo to meet with   
the Small Lady Serenity?"  
  
"No."  
  
"No?"  
  
"No, that came after. I only threatened her with nonexistence   
when she wouldn't tell me who she was and what she was doing in   
Tokyo during the last decade of the 20th century. She was an   
anachronism, you see."  
  
"She's got you there, Venus." Mars chuckled.  
  
"Oh shutup." Venus hit back. She continued. "But, you admit   
to threatening her with non-existence..."  
  
"Oh that, yes, of course I do."  
  
"Ah, that makes things easier, then."  
  
"Can I go now?" Jyoserin stared at Venus for a second. Venus   
cleared her throat and wagged a finger.  
  
"Now now, don't be impatient. We've got quite a few questions   
to ask you yet. Like, what is a GURP? What is your real name?   
What is your intention in trying to stop the existence of Crystal   
Tokyo?"  
  
"Jeez, I wasn't expecting the Spanish Inquisition."  
  
"AHA, NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION no da!"   
  
Jyoserin, Venus, Mars and the two guards turned as three   
figures bounded into the courtroom, all dressed in religious garb.   
The first was a bishounen type with hair of a dark greenish tinge   
and the mark of the oni on his forehead. The second was a light-  
blue haired man, wearing a smiley mask and a pilot's cap with   
goggles on his forehead. The third was a redheaded firebrand with   
fangs that stuck well out of his mouth, carrying a metallic fan.  
  
"Aha!" Said the leader. "Surprised you, eh? Yes indeed, our   
weapons are surprise, fear... and.... um... Oh bugger, I forgot."  
  
"Why don't we try that again no daa?" Said the smiley one.  
  
"Can I use the fan this time. I wanna really burn something."   
Said the fanged one. The leader sighed.  
  
"Alright, alright, lets try again." And with that, they   
exited the Court Chamber....  
  
  
----o  
  
  
The figure watched the proceedings within the court from high  
above, the darkened windows of her private viewing gallery keeping   
her presence a secret.  
  
She crossed her long, voluptuous legs, brushing aside the folds  
of the dark dress she wore, and rubbed her chin, nodding as the   
three fools ran back into the chamber and started to cause some   
minor chaos. Immediately, Mars and Venus ducked for cover as the   
senshi guarding Jyoserin were bowled down. Then they grabbed   
Jyoserin and dragged her from the court, kicking and screaming.   
Amusing as it was, it wasn't exactly what she had planned for   
Jyoserin, and that annoyed her, slightly.  
  
She leaned back in the thick leather seat, breathing in deeply  
the smell of the carpet-walled room, its warm air of privacy   
allowing her the opportunity to think things over. She turned aside  
to the small, floating, cat-faced orb and touched it, gently.  
  
"Well, Luna-P." She whispered softly. "Who do you think   
arranged this show for us?"  
  
  
  
END OF CHAPTER 3  
  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
  
Next Chapter - "Get the Holy Hand Grenade" or "Life? Don't You Talk  
to ME About Life!"  
  
_________  
/ @ \ DDFA (The Right Dishonourable Mark A Page)  
/ / ^ ^ \ \ ayanami@internode.on.net  
/\  
\/ \/  
\___________/  
/_/ \_\ PU  
  
VERSION 1.0 - Wednesday, 3rd February 1999 


End file.
